Welcome In!

Thirty Disturbing Sexy Halloween Costumes

Home | Toys | Video | Comics & Books | Games | Observations | About

The entire sexy Halloween costume industry seems to rely on a certain system for designing costumes...take something people are familiar with, fit it into a short dress and heels, and make sure people can see plenty of cleavage. In the past decade, companies have experimented with different kinds of costumes, but this has resulted in tapping into classic movies and cartoons. My childhood is still recovering from Sexy Ghostbuster Jumpsuit.
 
And guess what? This year, companies are now getting into a whole realmn of new things to make sexy and put on a woman. Things that grown women shouldn't ever wear. Things that people get arrested for considering are sexy. Things that reduce a woman to a smiling, pink stick with big fleshy circles framed by a sheet of nylon fabric. And somehow, a lot of money gets made.

Remote Control
 
 
The buttons featured are Mute, Good Girl or Bad Girl, and Hotness adjustment. I don't know what the hell could convince a grown woman to actually put this on, especially when you consider how many drunken idiots she'd get at a party attempting to be witty and push that Mute button.
 
 
Shower
 
 
Another key point about sexy Halloween costumes is how it should be an odd concept that manages to still be pretty hot. If you're turned on by the thought of twisting a woman's breasts until liquid flows out of her neck, the FBI has a genuine reason to shoot their agents out of a cannon and into your house.
 
Oh, and here's something scary to look forward to...on the site I got these from, the extra-large version of this costume was out of stock.
 
 
Willy Wonka
 
 
Because the costume makers decided to rename their plans for a leprechaun prostitute, we have this. This costume is probably grounds for Gene Wilder to hate the entirety of humanity.
 
 
Martini
 
 
You know, there's a certain point when someone makes a sexy costume too in-your-face to even try and provoke a boner. At this point, you'd might as well just go to a party completely naked with "boobies" written all over your body in permanent marker.
 
 
Pac-Man Boobs
 
 
You know what, this might actually be kinda cute, if you pretend her boobs aren't alive and about to feast on her heart while her crotch looks on. I don't know.
 
 
Mary Poppins
 
 
This one would actually be pretty hard to explain to the typical drunk/high crowd at a Halloween Party. Plus, everyone who hadn't already seen the movie would go home thinking that Mary Poppins was about a travelling sex therapist with a schoolgirl fetish.
 
 
Rainbow Brite
 
 
Isn't Rainbow Brite, like, seven years old? Is there some sort of allure in dressing like a sexualized childhood icon?
 
 
Little Orphan Annie
 
 
Well, damn.
 
I'm pretty sure if you buy this costume, Chris Hansen asks if he can put a FBI camera in your wig and track whoever hits on you while in costume.
 
 
Straightjacket
 
 
Hey, this may just not be my kink, but there's really nothing sexy about a woman so crazy that they have to put her in a locked jumper.
 
Unless you're confused and passively into bondage. I dunno.
 
 
Cherry Pie
 
 
Remember that scene in American Pie, when that guy tries to have sex with a pie? Something tells me multiple people had fantasies about that scene, and put those to bad use.
 
 
Mardi Grad Jester
 
 
To me, this looks less like a jester and more like a schizophrenic hooker who sewed together all the clothing she had and wishes she went into interior design.
 
 
Anthropomorphic Fox
 
 
Listen, I know what sort of girl is going to wear this. I can tell you in advance that they're not going to be tall, shapely supermodels. In fact, envisioning these girls in a short, busty dress makes my eyes gently ask for permission to burst into flame.
 
 
"Indian" Princess
 
 
There were multiple Native American costumes, but I actively searched for the most offensive one available. It's like the costume designers pooled together everything they really knew about Native Americans and put it on a dress.
 
 
Scrabble Board
 
 
Adding onto what I've said before, I think there's a costume designer out there who's genuinely questioned how to put his dick in a Scrabble gameboard. That may be the scariest thing about 2010's Halloween. 
 
 
Female Gangster
 
 
Typically, real classic gangsters wore something stylish that made them indistinguishable on the street, if they went out without guns. Now we've got a tube top with "gang$ta" (wrong kind of gangster!) and what's just a striped shirt that even the model is trying to pull down? I'm pretty sure if Al Capone saw you in this, he'd shoot you because he'd think you were a possessed pillowcase with Steve Dallas sunglasses.
 
 
"Tina The Target"
 
 
"So, let me get this straight...the costume you want to make is essentially a terrified woman with an apple on her head?"
"That's right."
"And you're going to charge people $35.95 just to be a terrified woman with an apple on her head?"
"Yep."
"Perfect! I'll put the listing on our site right away."
 
 
Wilma Flinstone
 
 
So, not only have they taken an unattractive cartoon character (Betty Rubble is where it's at, man) and made her into a lopsided, indistinguishable costume, but they put it on a model who looks like Ke$ha holding what could be a mammoth's dick.
 
 
"I Love Wieners"
 
 
...Why don't you just get a t-shirt made with "Champion Dick Taster" emblazoned across it? It's got the same level of subtlety and class, but costs about thirty dollars less.
 
 
Plaid Schoolgirl Uniform
 
 
Under no circumstances does that even begin to pass as a school uniform. Maybe a bit of research will tell me if that's how booksmart Scottish madams dress.
 
 
Girl Scout
 
 
Look, I shouldn't have to tell any of you why fantasizing about the Girl Scouts is a terrible thing, but the FBI probably has your house surrounded by now.
 
 
Female Tinman
 
 
What bothers me the most is how somebody watched The Wizard Of Oz and thought, "Gee, this movie really needs a few lesbian undertones."
 
 
Army Girl
 
 
The whole purpose of a military uniform is to look generic and build into whatever scenery you're fighting in. Whoever you're fighting against is not going to look over your side's territory, see your half-covered clitoris and not expect something is up. Maybe they'll want to bomb you twice as hard.
 
And I don't mean to get political on you all, but I find it a little outlandish that perfectly normal gay people aren't allowed to serve in the military at this time of writing, while it's considered okay for sluts to pretend they're in the army by walking around pantsless.
 
 
The Refreshinator
 
 
Ah, just the costume I need to constantly be pawed at by drunken slobs at this party. And what are The Refreshinator's powers, anyway? Does she work in a bar, throwing cans at Mach One at thirsty patrons? Or does she run through the streets with her Beer Senses tingling?
 
 
Cookie Monster
 
 
To me, more than anything, this looks like a supermodel skinned and wore the Cookie Monster's fur, while his undead head silently noms on the top of her skull. Sure, this costume is a cute idea on paper, but if it looks like what I just described, you've done something wrong.
 
 
Monster Bride
 
 
Have any of you seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show yet? Is this costume trying to insinuate that Frank got Janet pregnant, and this is their grown-up child? Because this costume is doing a great job of that for me.
 
 
Mrs. Potato Head
 
 
The heavy makeup on the model and having the giant potato mouth over her groin just evokes images of her going as Mrs. Potato Prostitute. This is the first costume on this list that just makes me sad.
 
 
Operation Gameboard
 
 
Sporting such delightful Operation items to pick up like "Thunder Thighs" and "Box" (GET IT, IT'S OVER HER CROTCH HUHUHUH), because nothing turns a man on more than the thought of using tweezers to pluck chips of plastic out of a woman's flesh.
 
 
Jane Jetson
 
 
All right, there's also a similar costume of Judy Jetson available and I was going to rant about sexualizing teenagers, but I saw Jane available and halted everything. They took the most unsexy, dowdy cartoon character available, and turned her into a big-titted gogo girl?
 
There is, however, a good side to this costume...the largest size it's available in is medium.
 
 
Football Player
 
 
I've got a game for this one. Stare at this picture and try to count how many signs you can find that show this woman is not capable of playing football.
 
 
"Miss Voorhees"
 
 
Actually, now that this picture is on the internet, it's probably going to inspire a new movie about Jason turning out to be a hermaphrodite with a phobia of pants. Or, maybe he falls into radioactive slime and morphs into a lesbian who makes his/her killin' rounds at the women's camp.
 
What's truly scary is how easy this could actually become a movie, though.

So, this upcoming Halloween, be sure not to wear anything that:
 
A) Will have everybody's eyes focused on your breasts/crotch, unless you're into getting the worst pick-up lines ever constantly for two hours
B) Will leave you cold as hell (this mostly applies to the Prairies and North-Central America)
C) or makes you question the your good judgement and the good judgement of the people you paid $45 for a shiny sack with armholes.
 
And after roasting our eyes over a wealth of veritable boner-killers, why don't we end off on something actually incredibly sexy?
 
 
 
CLICK ON THE "HONEY BUNNY COSTUME" TO GO BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE
 

All written material here is 2007-2011 Fauna Crawford, along with any images identified as such. All other copyrights belong to their respective owners and creators. Permission is required to use any original material from this site.