The buttons featured are Mute, Good Girl or Bad Girl, and Hotness adjustment. I don't know what the hell
could convince a grown woman to actually put this on, especially when you consider how many drunken idiots she'd get at a
party attempting to be witty and push that Mute button.
Another key point about sexy Halloween costumes is how it should be an odd concept that manages to still
be pretty hot. If you're turned on by the thought of twisting a woman's breasts until liquid flows out of her neck, the
FBI has a genuine reason to shoot their agents out of a cannon and into your house.
Oh, and here's something scary to look forward to...on the site I got these from, the extra-large version
of this costume was out of stock.
Because the costume makers decided to rename their plans for a leprechaun prostitute, we have this. This
costume is probably grounds for Gene Wilder to hate the entirety of humanity.
You know, there's a certain point when someone makes a sexy costume too in-your-face to even try and provoke
a boner. At this point, you'd might as well just go to a party completely naked with "boobies" written all over your body
in permanent marker.
You know what, this might actually be kinda cute, if you pretend her boobs aren't alive and about to feast
on her heart while her crotch looks on. I don't know.
This one would actually be pretty hard to explain to the typical drunk/high crowd at a Halloween Party.
Plus, everyone who hadn't already seen the movie would go home thinking that Mary Poppins was about a travelling
sex therapist with a schoolgirl fetish.
Isn't Rainbow Brite, like, seven years old? Is there some sort of allure in dressing like a sexualized
Little Orphan Annie
I'm pretty sure if you buy this costume, Chris Hansen asks if he can put a FBI camera in your wig and track
whoever hits on you while in costume.
Hey, this may just not be my kink, but there's really nothing sexy about a woman so crazy that they
have to put her in a locked jumper.
Unless you're confused and passively into bondage. I dunno.
Remember that scene in American Pie, when that guy tries to have sex with a pie? Something tells me multiple
people had fantasies about that scene, and put those to bad use.
Mardi Grad Jester
To me, this looks less like a jester and more like a schizophrenic hooker who sewed together all the clothing
she had and wishes she went into interior design.
Listen, I know what sort of girl is going to wear this. I can tell you in advance that they're not going
to be tall, shapely supermodels. In fact, envisioning these girls in a short, busty dress makes my eyes gently ask for permission
to burst into flame.
There were multiple Native American costumes, but I actively searched for the most offensive one available.
It's like the costume designers pooled together everything they really knew about Native Americans and put it on a dress.
Adding onto what I've said before, I think there's a costume designer out there who's genuinely questioned
how to put his dick in a Scrabble gameboard. That may be the scariest thing about 2010's Halloween.
Typically, real classic gangsters wore something stylish that made them indistinguishable on the street,
if they went out without guns. Now we've got a tube top with "gang$ta" (wrong kind of gangster!) and what's just a striped
shirt that even the model is trying to pull down? I'm pretty sure if Al Capone saw you in this, he'd shoot you because
he'd think you were a possessed pillowcase with Steve Dallas sunglasses.
"Tina The Target"
"So, let me get this straight...the costume you want to make is essentially a terrified woman with an apple
on her head?"
"And you're going to charge people $35.95 just to be a terrified woman with an apple on her head?"
"Perfect! I'll put the listing on our site right away."
So, not only have they taken an unattractive cartoon character (Betty Rubble is where it's at, man) and
made her into a lopsided, indistinguishable costume, but they put it on a model who looks like Ke$ha holding what could
be a mammoth's dick.
"I Love Wieners"
...Why don't you just get a t-shirt made with "Champion Dick Taster" emblazoned across it? It's got the
same level of subtlety and class, but costs about thirty dollars less.
Plaid Schoolgirl Uniform
Under no circumstances does that even begin to pass as a school uniform. Maybe a bit of research will tell
me if that's how booksmart Scottish madams dress.
Look, I shouldn't have to tell any of you why fantasizing about the Girl Scouts is a terrible thing, but
the FBI probably has your house surrounded by now.
What bothers me the most is how somebody watched The Wizard Of Oz and thought, "Gee, this movie
really needs a few lesbian undertones."
The whole purpose of a military uniform is to look generic and build into whatever scenery you're fighting
in. Whoever you're fighting against is not going to look over your side's territory, see your half-covered clitoris
and not expect something is up. Maybe they'll want to bomb you twice as hard.
And I don't mean to get political on you all, but I find it a little outlandish that perfectly normal gay
people aren't allowed to serve in the military at this time of writing, while it's considered okay for sluts to pretend they're in
the army by walking around pantsless.
Ah, just the costume I need to constantly be pawed at by drunken slobs at this party. And what are The Refreshinator's
powers, anyway? Does she work in a bar, throwing cans at Mach One at thirsty patrons? Or does she run through the streets
with her Beer Senses tingling?
To me, more than anything, this looks like a supermodel skinned and wore the Cookie Monster's fur, while
his undead head silently noms on the top of her skull. Sure, this costume is a cute idea on paper, but if it looks like what
I just described, you've done something wrong.
Have any of you seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show yet? Is this costume trying to insinuate that
Frank got Janet pregnant, and this is their grown-up child? Because this costume is doing a great job of that for me.
Mrs. Potato Head
The heavy makeup on the model and having the giant potato mouth over her groin just evokes images of her
going as Mrs. Potato Prostitute. This is the first costume on this list that just makes me sad.
Sporting such delightful Operation items to pick up like "Thunder Thighs" and "Box" (GET IT, IT'S OVER HER
CROTCH HUHUHUH), because nothing turns a man on more than the thought of using tweezers to pluck chips of plastic out of a
All right, there's also a similar costume of Judy Jetson
available and I was going to rant about sexualizing teenagers, but I saw Jane available and halted everything. They took
the most unsexy, dowdy cartoon character available, and turned her into a big-titted gogo girl?
There is, however, a good side to this costume...the largest size it's available in is medium.
I've got a game for this one. Stare at this picture and try to count how many signs you can find that show
this woman is not capable of playing football.
Actually, now that this picture is on the internet, it's probably going to inspire a new movie about Jason
turning out to be a hermaphrodite with a phobia of pants. Or, maybe he falls into radioactive slime and morphs into a lesbian
who makes his/her killin' rounds at the women's camp.
What's truly scary is how easy this could actually become a movie, though.