Recently, Toontown went to a bookstore and picked up some 80's/90's comics and Disney Adventures. Of course,
they are now virtually worthless, due to the shopkeep's habit of writing in black crayon right on the covers, to mark the
prices of anything in the discount bin. Aside from my Mai the Psychic Girl #4 being worth less than three cents,
I come to you today with...a samplette of 1993!
When you buy a magazine with this on the cover, you know you're in for a wild ride.
Looking through these magazines is amazing. Where else can I find a four-page ad for Oreos, ads
for the live-action Super Mario Bros. movie, and an interview with Michael Jackson? Why, only in
an ancient Disney Adventures magazine! It's like living before I was living! And while I have your attention, the SMB movie
ads took me back to when I was five...the movie was on TV, and I was confused as hell, because Mario wasn't the four-foot
midget I remembered him to be. Moving on.
Flipping through the comic section, I discovered some Bonkers and Darkwing. With the Liquidator,
no less, being that he remains my favorite DWD villain. But soon, I saw something I'd never seen before.
Socks the Cat.
This must have been a series at one point, given how informal it is introducing the two main characters,
Socks (who looks like my own cat) and Bill Clinton Charicature. Now, I can still remember watching a program in 2000, focusing
on the Clintons moving out of the White House. I remember them walking up the lane, stopping to meet George W. Bush, the man
who singlehandedly fucked up most of the world over eight years. Despite being seven years old, I clearly remember waching
him and thinking...
"I don't trust this guy."
Of course, that was probably my youthful reaction to him making the Clintons all sad. OR WAS IT FORESIGHT...?
Aside, let's get back to the comic.
We start up with Bill and Socks sleeping on the porch. Now, given that this is supposed the President
of the United States, I seriously doubt it would be a good public-relations idea to have him sleep in his underwear
in full view of the passing public. Although, maybe it's a side of the White House that is mostly unclosed by trees.
At night, Hillary gets into tribal garb and dances around a pile of burning Kriss Kross tapes in the safety of the tree incave.
Aside from that, let's take a look at the characters. Bill has never looked more questionable. I mean,
really, look at those ducky lips. The only other cartoon character I've seen with lips that fucked was Skunk Kusai
, but even poor Skunk didn't have chicken legs like Mr.Bill here.
We see that Bill is dreaming of having
a stone bust of himself, apparently made out of pothole
cement and equipped wth a paper full of scribbles. Given that he is the President, it would be a simple task to order of sculpture
of himself. Of course, he could earn it honestly, by doing something grand and famous. Albeit, the two most famous middle-class
things he's done are playing the saxaphone, and sleeping wth Monica Lewinsky. I would crudely suggest that the artist intended
to show Bill's dream a little more...exciting. But having another character sleeping on his lap during this dream would turn
into something out of a hentai
. Socks, on the other hand, is dreaming of having a Rushmore-esque monument of himself. Now, I'll be damned if a cat had the
ability to fantasize about its own monument (and
come up with a title), but if the President were to say "We need
to edit Mount Rushmore because my cat said so", I wouldn't be surprised if the situation went to hell.
Next, we have a short, rather unfunny one. This utilizes the famous stereotype of Bill playing th saxaphone,
becaus it wasn't mentioned enough in the Animaniacs intro. In short, he attempts to play, but something
is stuck in the sax. Instead of looking into the instrument and correcting the problem, Bill decides to blow as hard
as he can (I was SO close to making another Monica joke here) and cause his daughter's cat to fly across the room and presumably collide
with a wall, a desk or a really tough guard. Aside from Bill being an idiot, how does a full-grown cat get stuck in
a saxaphone, let alone crawl into it? You would think a cat would recognize their owner's belongings a know not
to mess with them - I have seen my uncle's cat panic whenever he picks up his guitar, showing that he recognizes its ability
to produce horrible noises. Surely Socks would know this too, considering that he can come up with his own monument.
Next, we have another short and weird one, not exactly about Socks. It begins with Bill driving past a stereotypical
hippie, standing proudly with the proclaimation "PEACE NOW". Now, standing in front of the White House on your own, with
one sign that doesn't really demand anything in particular, isn't exactly a good way to get "peace". Where do you
want the peace, Ms. Hippie? That is, assuming the hippie is female. Never mind.
Later, Bill is bothered by another solitary protestor, demanding equality. Not much to say, except Bill
is clearly soiling himself in fear, given that he's got the Skunk Kusai lips again. What kind of equality does this man demand?
Equality for portly Hamegg-lookalikes who work at gas stations? Does it have anything to do with that rainbow shirt? Is it
Ah, yes! As everyone in North America knows, the rainbow is a homosexual symbol! Right away, we can tell
that this lone protestor demands gay equality! If you ask me, this is a HUGE innuendo to
insert into a 90's children's comic about a cat.
And in the last one, Socks wants some food in the middle of the night, and Hillary is nowhere to be seen.
Obviously, Socks is capable of human thought and physical talents, like sign-constructing and writing. He appears to still
be learning, given that FOOD NOW is a rather parsed sentence. Maybe Socks nees to read more Garfield. What's up
with Bill's food-print pajamas? Why doesn't he put the saxaphone in a case, instead of leaning it n his bed, where it can
fall over and be damaged?
Finally, we end up with Socks being persued by the paparazzi. I know Socks was famous fur back in his day,
but someone needs to tell these dejected reporters that THIS IS JUST A CAT WALKING AROUND. Nobody but YTV would want
footage of him. I also doubt that two men jumping would have the sound "Ker-Zoink/Zip". These sad sacks are so persistant
that they follow Socks for three straight days. On the third, Socks constructs a plush version of himself and throws
it over the fence, instead of simply going outside via another route. The plush falls to the ground like a dead...cat, and
the reporters stare at it wordlessly. And as the two are distracted, Socks sits in a tree and dumps his used cat littler on
This seems like something I'd draw at age nine.
Notice how Socks's litter bin isactually labelled. Was this made by him, to remind himself where to relieve
himself? Or was it made by Bill, so he would not confuse his cat's poop box with a baking dish? Also, I imagine it would take
a cat quite a while to get up a tree while carrying a litter box. Now, I can hear you. You're saying,
"Fauna, you crazy bastard, he could have put it up earlier!" But remember, there is no way for Socks to get outside without
being followed, otherwise he wouldn't have done this, right? So, it would have taken an obnoxiously long time for him to get
up there, implying the reporters have been staring at that plush for well over half an hour.
You know what? To hell with analyzing this strip. It makes no sense, and even when I look at it
with a child's mind, it's not funny.
As far as I know, there are only three issues with Socks the Cat a a comic. Turns out all those wacky stereotypes
and freakish depictions of the Presidential Family were kind of offensive! Oh my! How ever could that happen?
Well, the comic is also unfunny. Disney Adventures had pretty high standards back then, and this stuff looks
like it was made out of Spylock Fox, a Scholastic-brand jokebook, and too many belts of whiskey.
But it could be worse. Today, I looked through a recent DA issue, and there was a comic involving "The
Suite Life of Zack and Cody".
No, really. They were in a 50's style, and Zack lost the school mouse in the lobby and everyone freaked
out. That's it.
I think I'm going to cry.
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