Why are crappy cartoons always more fun to write about than good cartoons?
In 2004, Astro Boy premieres on Cartoon Network to little fanfare. It is kicked off air less than halfway through
the series, dumped onto a poorly-manufactured DVD set and forgotten about. BUT NO!
In September 2005, a new cartoon debuts on the same network. It is called Robotboy, where a transforming robot
is given to three prepubescent children to keep away from a grimly-depicted Japanese midget. Hyork, what's the similarities?
Well, Robotboy is, and without a hint of disguise, Astro. As we'll soon see, Robotgirl is Uran, Moshimo is Ochanimizu, Tommy
is Kenichi/Tamao, Gus is Shibugaki, Kamikaze is - sadly - Tenma, and Constantine is Shadow. MMMM! COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT A
Before we start... I HATE THIS SHOW. But for you, my readers, I will plow through it and pound
the shit out of it. This episode has also ruined Was-Not-Was's song "Robot Girl" - "'Bot girl, robot girl, we're
such a perfect match. Got me in a whirl, you're my robot girl" - just like how I can't listen to Long John Baldry without
imagining the Toad Air Marshall or Robotnik.
But enough of this. Let's begin...
We begin in the twisted, two-dimensional world that is supposed to be San Fransisco, where little Tommy
is preparing to go camping. Here he is seen placing a dildo into his backpack
. Robotboy says, in a choppy Japanese accent, "For two week. Miss Tommy
." Now we know what kind of place
this is. Suddenly Tommy says, "Now where's that travel case Moshimo sent over?" and randomly pulls out a box
from under his mattress. The boys hug, Robotboy accidentally chokes Tommy
, who then deactivates him and locks him in the box, which then sprouts cannons and flies off. Robotboy awakens to this:
Wow, two stereotypes in five seconds! They even got the kimono drawn wrong! Robotboy wakes up with Professor Moshimo
and his cheese-yellow wife Myumyu. Moshimo points to the window and asks "How do you like my new house?"
Talk about 'physically impossible'. At least it'll be easy to shoot down.
Moshimo then gives Robotboy a present, then stands next to Myumyu and chuckles like a maniac. Robotboy discovers...a doll. After confusing the lil' bastard, Myumyu presses a bright red button on a cartoony remote and the doll turns into...
I...uh...eugh. Okay. That's not even trying. She looks just like Robotboy but with a miniskirt, hot pink co-ordination
and Minnie Mouse bow.
She excalims "HELLO! YOU CUTE!" in another shitamerantastic broken english accent. Moshimo introduces her
as "Robutgawll". She is not intended to be a little sister, but a love interest. She also never appears after this episode.
After hugging Robotboy, she says "We have fun. Play now." Moshimo then says that Robotboy will have to teach Robotgirl about
the world, making her even more similar to Uran. Then the adults leave the room, instructing them to not leave the house.
Then Myumyu hits Moshimo with a stick. Dunno.
Things are awkward between the two, but then Robotboy - while talking with the minciest of minced english
- offers to play tag. Robotgirl masters her jets, they fly around the house and blow a hole in the roof. Moshimo goes up and fixes said hole, which is done by kneeling on the roof with no harness, bashing the broken area repeatedly with a hammer. And look at his handiwork!
The robots apologize, and Moshimo lets them off. "But try to play a little less destructive," he says, accidentally
letting go of the hammer, of which flies ten feet and goes through
Sarai Yuko Myumyu's window.
So Robotboy goes inside and shows Robotgirl the contents of the fridge. "That ice cream. Gus like. Eat much."
Robotgirl attempts to eat, but Robotboy protests with "No! Food bad for robots!" Too bad ya little weirdie! Moshimo shoulda
installed a disposal tank like with Astro, Robby Phillips and Roll Light!
Robotgirl snorts "Robotboy afraid eat ice cream?"
So, to show off his manly courage, he joins Robotgirl and pigs out on the slops. And as a result, Moshimo's
stuck cleaning out the robots' insides
because he was just too pre-occupied too put in a damn disposal tank. And then he questions his actions to built Robotgirl
in the first place. Look buddy, don't make a child robot unless your son died, your rival is taking over the world or if you're
sterile and own a robot manufacturing business. Meanwhile, the robots are sitting on the flying pagoda's porch, Robotboy teaching
the girl who Tommy is and what a friend is. She hugs him
, he grins like a loonie and Robotgirl asks if she can see Tommy. Of course, NO.
We cut away to Dr. Kamikazi - which is how THEY spell it; I'm serious - who is looking for Robotboy. Gawd,
that much Asian stereotyping's got to be illegal somewhere. And would you believe that's their version of TENMA? For shame.
Anyway, Kamikazi (sic) yells at Constantine, his chubby sidekick, then that snake chokes him. They suddenly find Robotboy and Robotgirl on radar, as they have foolishly left the safety of the...thing. Constantine freaks out over seeing two robots while the snake keeps choking Kamikazi. Constantine sends out a bunch of robot bats, of which chase
the robots over the woods.
In short, the Turnbull family is camping there, and Tommy's brother Donnie threw him down a well. Donnie tells
his parents "Last time I saw 'im, he was fetchin' a pail o' water." Tommy climbs out and sees the bats shooting at the robots, then carrying them away. Tommy is not pleased, so calls Moshimo over, then we cut to them in a hovercar outside Kamikazi's Volcano Adventure Island.
HOORAY! PULL HIM APART LIKE A PAIR OF CHEAP SLACKS!
Wait, didn't I see that machine in Astro Boy...?
Tommy wants to get into the building, but Moshimo turns away and says that they require a concrete plan
and weapons, then turns around and sees what has happened
. Meanwhile, Robotboy finds he is magnetically stuck to the machine
, minus singing like folk songs a la Bender. Constantine and Kamikazi come in, the foremost apologizing for ignoring
his boss's strangulation. Kamikazi flings some insults, then gets Robotgirl turned back on, who walks up to him and remarks
"Hi Kamikazi! You sooo handsome!", Kamikazi is pleased with Constantine's "new programming
...she's technically a minor...
Nevertheless, Tommy gets inside without robo-guard hounds tearing the eyes from his giant, square head.
Tommy checks Robotboy's system and finds he's almost out of energy, but the boy brought along extra batteries
. Yes, kids. This hydrocephalic demonbot runs on two domestic AA batteries, which is barely 70% of what an old school Walkman
takes. Anyway, Robotboy gets off the machine without Kamikazi or Constantine noticing
. Tommy tried to drag him out,
but Robotboy rebells, steals Tommy's watch and flies off.
Meanwhile, the men are planning to use Robotgirl against Robotboy, whom flies over and piledrived Constantine
into a wall. Hmm, Asmov and Tezuka's laws have been dashed! Anyway, Kamikazi sics Robotgirl on Robotboy, but doesn't know
how to "Super-Activate" and attack. Kamikazi spazzes out, leaves the room and sets the room's walls to close in and crush
So, the bastard's gonna kill his sidekick, a small boy and two robots. Robotboy, seeing the need for help,
flies up and Super-Activates. Say what you want, but I think he looks like Atlas & Doomsday's yaoi baby. And look, all these for only two AAs! Anyway, shooting the walls doesn't move them back, and neither does having weakling Tommy pushing on them
help, so Moshimo calls on the room's intercom and tells Robotgirl to smack her fists together. She Super-Activates too, using
the same transformation footage as Robotboy's, only faster.
In short, they successfully push back the walls and Tommy squals "yippee" like the little crack-jogger he
is. And then we cut to everyone flying off
, with no certainty as to how the hell
they got out
. Moshimo is proud of Robotboy for putting up
with Robotgirl, but hopes she'll settle the hell down.
In short, she shoots out the window at the Turnbull campsite, and I don't even know what was going on here
. Everybody laughs and the episode ends, Moshimo driving off without dropping Tommy off with the rest of his family.
...What the hell was that? That was an EPISODE? The writers could have at least...
-Made Robotgirl his sister, which would clear up similarities between the two and have the "go out at teach
her" thing make more sense
-Not made everybody retarded in some way
-Cut down that scene of Kamikazi being strangled
-At least spelled "kamikaze" right
-Drawn Japanese people without asking for a lawsuit
-Not make Robotboy look like Astro Boy, XJ9 Jenny, and Megaman
-Let the damn robots speak normally
And that's just for this one episode. I have a headache.
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