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NOW! Comics Astro Boy - Issue Ten

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Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're almost done this story arc. I've owned issue ten since 2007, and I thought I'd never be able to fill the gap. But I'm here now, flashing. The feeling's smashing. This is my time to be a star.* I can't believe I'm getting this emotional over a comic that looks like it was drawn by a teenager who sniffs glue.
 
Issue number ten was discovered in a shop downtown when I was young, amazed and confused by the series' existence, thirsting for answers. I was the same way after reading it. The feeling was the same way that one would want to watch Akira, but accidentally catches it on TV and only sees Tetsuo's mutation. You're left going, "What the hell was that? Am I ever going to sleep again?" You want to see more, either because you want to be terrified or because this sort of thing interests you. Then again, Akira doesn't deserve to be compared to this comic.
 
The robot is also secreting spit that is going the wrong way, but that's the smallest problem.
 
The cover for number ten features Astro flying out of a giant Cybershark's mouth. And I mean giant, since the normal Cybershark is about twice Astro's size, but the Cybershark is now large enough to eat him in one bite. Or, Astro is now the size of a small dog. Damn you NOW! Comics for making me think so hard about this.
 
*If you were born in the eighties, you are legally required to know what that was from. If you don't, here you go.
 
 
 
 
Please tell me the puddle around that guy is made of tears.
 
We open with a recap of the devestation at the construction site. Mr. Kohli's car and Inspector Gumshoe's toe got smashed, so Elefun recommends a Band-Aid for Gumshoe. Like, after having a ton of bricks dropped on it. Usually you don't have a toe after these sort of things. Chief McLaw (note: Law, not Claw) gets a call about the Cybersharks, so everybody drives off in different directions. Oh, and it's daylight where they are. Why is it so dark where the Cybersharks are?
 
Steacy has used "Snap, Crackle, Pop" as a sound effect more than what is comfortably possible.
 
I.Q. and Spud are about to be eaten like we dearly wish they would, but Spud goes to Astro's unconscious body and manually fires his finger laser. It doesn't work, because of "Black Hole Generators" that absorb the high density light waves from Astro's laser. In short, it doesn't work because I.Q. is a bastard who secretes plot holes. So Spud "reverse[s] the polarity in [Astro's] mainframe", which magically brings him back to life. I have no idea how that works, so let's assume a thousand children chanted "We Believe" at the same time.
 
Maybe my fist will concur with your face, I.Q.
 
As I.Q. calls his dog an "old sock" as a complement, Astro beats the Cybershark into submission. Just...look at the above. I can't even say something funny about it. Oh Astro, you loveable sack of monotony.
 
Astro asks what's going on, so Spud tries to tell him about the Cybersharks going to destroy the Institute of Science, and I.Q. goes full-on rage about it. Why? Because he was going to reveal that he and I.Q. are the ones who put Astro unconscious, and having Astro suddenly fly off interfered with I.Q.'s boy-touching plot? Never I mind, here's the panel that has bothered me for three years: DOG BALLS.
 
Hurr hurr, he spelled "afraid" wrong.
 
In the meantime, that annoying robot from before has returned, and is watching in horror as the robots run off to destroy the Institute because they're all a bunch of little gits. We're supposed to support the robots too, right? Why can't I feel anything for them? All of them are coming off as a group of spoiled, impatient misfits who thirst for bloodshed and nothing else.
 
Apparently, Tas's phone only works at fifteen feet above ground level.
 
At the Institute, General Hawkins is still standing on Tas's desk and Tas is still humping the underside of it. Hawkins makes everyone gather outside again, planning to basically annihilate them with nuclear weapons, regardless of, like, civilians. All four sides of the battle - military grunts, police grunts, robots and Cybersharks - go for another standoff outside the building.
 
 
It ends when everybody notices the Cybersharks are eating the building. You need to notice how the army is worried about the scientists, but the police are worried about the "valuable property". Also, it's not daylight again, and the Cybersharks are eight times Astro's size.
 
Good thing you're there, Elmer, because God forbid a woman be strong enough to save herself.
 
Inside, Lance pretty much soils himself in fear and runs out of the building, leaving Rebecca to hit a Cybershark with a broom. Elmer runs over to her and tries to confess to her, but they both get eaten with a loud..."wham". One Cybershark is back to its smaller size, and the robots begin to kill it by slowly and individually taking him apart...because all villians in this universe stop dead when they're confused. If this were true in the actual cartoon, "The Light Ray Robot" would've ended halfway through, with Skunk standing blankly in the park as Astro tossed around his gang. And then the rest of the episode would be awkward and everyone would have to go home.
 
 
The robots, police and army unite to fight the Cybersharks, whom are being punched through the pages like above, and being graphically shot in the face. Once they finish fighting the fluctuating number of Cybersharks, they realize they all worked together, and Astro offers this...
 
Fighting! Partay!
 
That's right, kids! Don't hate other people because of race, gender or orientation, unite with them and kill whoever happens to be threatening all of you at the same time! Hooray! Violence is awesome! Oh, and neither Gumshoe or Hawkins learned anything, so they still hate robots! Fun!
 
Those two behind Astro are charicatures of Ken Steacy and Andrew Pratt. They sure look like dicks.
 
A long time later, a ringmaster announces to a darkened crowd that th
e robot rights are now in effect, but Astro is feeling bad about "something important missing from my existence". He gets up and leads Astro right out of the middle of the ceremony, and out to...
 
That house is making him so happy.
 
...Astro's house from the 80's series. Okay.
 
 
But, inside it is A COUPLE OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN SHOEHORNED INTO A COUPLE AND ARE SOMEHOW UNDEAD AND THEY'RE ASTRO'S PARENTS! THIS IS WHAT THE REBECCA AND ELMER SUBPLOT BUILT UP TO! OH MY GAAAAAAAWWWWD!

 

Well, that's the end of this issue. When I first read it, I thought it was the aftermath of a long and crazy ride. When I read the remaining issues, I realized it was a long and uneven road to a limp ending. The next issue promises "more fun", which would make me hope for Skunk Kusai beating the tar out of I.Q. Plenty and General Hawkins, but it probably means it'll be fun for Ken Steacy and his new pal Andrew Pratt. I'm so disappointed I almost forgot how to talk.

On a related topic, if this comic is trying to encourage equality and living without prejudice, why aren't there any African-American or Asian characters?

 

ADVANCE TO ISSUE 11/12!

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