about the profile of Ms. Magnacarter is lulzy and terrifying. She has more M-rated fan fiction favourited
than you’ll ever want to acknowledge the existence of. What were you doing when you were fifteen? It doesn’t matter,
because when Magnacarter was fifteen, she wrote porn.
shouldn’t be writing this article. Magnacarter mentioned before that she thinks of me like an older brother. But I’m
terrified, man; I’m terrified and my troll instincts are kicking back in. I will say something while I’m still
a normal article writer…Magnacarter, don’t associate your real name with anything inappropriate you write. You
might try to apply for a job someday soon, and your boss might search your name and see you’re the one responsible for
giving birth to “Pinoko’s Check Up”*, and you’ll never get through their door again. I might not get
hired to one place because I date African-American girls and listen to Sass Jordan, but at least my “dark side”
isn’t horrifying enough to seep into my real life.
*In one sentence: Black Jack pretty much finger-rapes Pinoko during an invasive check-up. Yes,
regulars…why don’t we read us some fan fiction? I picked the one with the most clumsy typing and insane sexicity,
and with the least naked children. You know how I roll, kids. This article will continue to be updated whenever “Mother of the Child and the Creation” is updated and as long as we don’t have a cease-and-desist.
Chapter One: “Who Is She?” AKA “FFFUUUUUU”
starts off with “Astro POV”, which I suppose could stand for
“Point of View”, but could also be the sound a human makes when they try to stifle vomiting.
quickly tells us that it’s after the end of the 2003 series, that Uran…no, Zoran…is entering first grade
in the fall, the kids are going to visit Yuko and Uncle Wally Kisagari (cringe) in the tropics, and Astro’s class visited
“neighbouring city, Gamma City Zoo”. After that, he started
having dreams about a woman with the same physical attributes as Tobio, so now he’s at Kennedy’s house (whom should
be Kenichi, but the dub is the biggest bitch of all dubs) when he asks why he keeps waking up crying after seeing this woman
in his dreams.
starts laughing for some reason and asks if Dr. O’Shay (hrrrrrngh why) has told Astro about “boy human to girl human relationships”. Apparently he’s an aloof bastard, and his
parents knew about how Tenma used to have “an affair with a girl once upon
a time”. Astro, not knowing how girls work, is all like “whaaaaa?” so Kennedy has to explain what
human nature is and suggests the brown-haired woman is Tobio’s mother. In Magnacarter’s stories, any supporting
character is Psychic Jesus Incarnate when they need to be.
goes home, depressed, and screams at his sister like a bitch. Zoran runs off and cries in her room, so O’Shay goes to
get to the bottom of this, but Astro screams at him like a bitch. O’Shay uses his special Timid Elderly Scientist Who
Puts Up With Shit powers to calm the boy down, and Astro gives him a recap of the situation with the dreams. O’Shay
brings out some pictures and tells him that Tenma’s wife was Amelia Maeyumi.
she started the Kokoro Project – mind you, this is said a thousand times in the 2003 series that Tenma made this just
for Astro’s construction – as well as created a program that allowed humanoid robots to have more enriched facial
capabilities for robots. At least, that’s what I assume it does, since it’s got a name like “Human Facial Aesthetic”, but Magnacarter has no idea how robotics really work, because
Astro yawns. Yawning is a purposeless human function, and it would be next to impossible to be able to program a random, uncontrollable
motion into a robot, not to mention how it would look like a defect.
the apology, he and Zoran went to sleep as fast as their head touched their pillow and were already dreaming, the rest of
the night of calm and stress free”
Tezuka mentions right in volume 20 of the manga that robots fake the act of sleep. Hell, it’s said by Astro to Uran;
it’s powering down made to look like slumber. Here, apparently it his “circuits”
telling him to sleep. Also, Astro wants to go to Sky Prison (uh?) and ask Tenma about his dead wife, since she mysteriously
has no relatives to contact. Ugh, I’m so frustrated by this, and there are seven more chapters to go through.
Chapter Two: “Meeting with Tenma” AKA “My Baby Can’t Write”
we start off with Astro playing soccer with Kennedy again, but then suddenly Astro passes out and lapses through a memory
of Amelia Maeyumi holding an infant Tobio and a baby girl. Suddenly Amelia is screaming, just as the memory gets blurry, so
maybe she dropped Tobio like a boss. Suddenly Astro wakes up and goes to Sky Prison, with an invisible bracelet that triggers
an alarm if Tenma tries to pedotouch him or something.
then switch to “Tenma’s POV”, so I guess Tenma sensed
the story coming and puked a bit in his mouth. Astro comes in, and the prison guard offers to compress Tenma’s scrotum
with bricks if he tries anything on Astro. Then we get this from Magnacarter:
“Authors note: Ok look, the in the dialogue of the characters, they will designate
what he or she is thinking, doing or saying.”
mean like…how people write characters in a story? That’s unfathomable!
we go down the same path all over again…Tenma used to be married to her, she was okay-looking, and he sort of wants
back in her clitoris. And then, surprise, it’s a flaaaaaaashbaaaaaack. We flash back to May 29th,
2029, which is weird because it implies it’s at least 2040 AD in the present Astro Boy timeline in Magnacarter’s
fanon, but…the show canonically takes place in 2003. Audible sigh.
Tenma gets ten students – introduced by a Samantha Baron, the first of a thousand backdrop original characters –
whom are all going to be “techs”. A “black boy” asks why, and it’s because that’s an entry-level position. And
after, we discover Magnacarter has no idea what she’s doing when she writes technology:
“As she would tell them about the ministry's history of discoveries and foundations,
I was in my lab working on a military robotic guidance systems and program (if you seen Star Wars it looks like the Drones).”
introduces Tenma, giving him so much praise that you’d swear she wanted to milk him. Some robot suddenly almost explodes,
so a girl quickly repairs it, and Tenma declares her better than him in robotics repair. Hey look, Magnacarter tried to make
some Japanese names up!
Hiro Bakunichisan: Hiro is a shortened nickname for “Hiroshi”.
His last name means Explosion Day Three. Haw!
Kanji Nevereth: Kanji is the alphabet of complex symbols shared
with between the Japanese and Chinese languages. Naming someone “Kanji” is a common Stupid White Person thing.
a lot of robotics majors, and Tenma’s assistant Charlotte points out that the best of them all is Amelia Maeyumi. Apparently,
Amelia’s mother “wasn't very active because of muscular and skeletal
cancer”, and “when she was ten she made a working car for [Charlotte’s]
dad and a computer for [Charlotte and her] siblings, also a motor boat for the school fair”. Thanks, Aloof Gateway
Three: “Caught between a rock in a hard place” AKA “Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me”
light in Tenma’s jail cell goes out and Astro robo-shits himself. Apparently Tobio was afraid of the dark, and every
night Tenma got home from work, his shadow would scare Tobio and make him scream. EVERY. NIGHT.
to the past, Professor Baron is the bitchiest bitch of Bitchville – as Magnacarter stresses – and during lunch,
she walks in and pours water on Kanji’s head. While he’s all like “wha fu woman”, she explains to
everyone that he fixed her computer, but it died because she spilled water on it. Everybody asks where Amelia is because she’s
the sparkly princess of the story, but she’s outside. Baron says something about getting rid of her, which she says
in a “supercilious” way. As Tenma leaves, Baron starts talking
shit about more people, including how Amelia’s in debt, so we’re finding out more about the invented characters
than actual Astro Boy characters.
goes outside and finds Amelia asleep, and comes to the conclusion that “she
was very fit even on human standards”. For lulz, he takes her USB drive and submits her finished work in his
office, and a little while later she comes into his office and baws that she can’t find it. He gives her the drive and,
surprise, a job at the Ministry, which I think may be motivated by the fact that Tenma can’t think clearly when his
crotch gets tingly. Amelia tries to turn down the job, claiming she doesn’t deserve it, but…gasp! She’s
in debt, so she must take this perfect job! Also, I threw up.
“Then my memories of how he touched me and massaged me like an expert, thought
of that turned into a daydream, my head light as a cloud, my legs made of Jell-O, my heart fast as a speeding train, his touch
made me numb I wanted to feel that way for as long as I lived, if I could.”
is how Amelia feels about Tenma. And according to Tenma’s bio, his parents died of salmonella when he was six. It’s
the future, so why wouldn’t they have a cure for that then, if we don’t already have one now? Bluuuuurgh.
Four: “The Dinner and a Show” AKA “The Best Part Of Waking Up Is Mary Sues In Your Pants ”
has been informed about most of this, which is vastly inappropriate for a nine-year-old to know (quoting Astro: “Was
that true Dr. Tenma? That you didn't care much for a relationship at the time beyond work?”). Then we get another flashback
in Amelia’s “POV”, where she’s getting ready for a meeting with Tenma, with the help of her Sassy
Black Friend™ Sasha. Sasha gives her this elaborately described dress that makes her look “like a woman in a James Bond movie”. Then a robot drives her to Tenma’s house, and
upon meeting Tenma, she’s so beautiful that a crowd forms to watch her. Tenma thinks the following…
“I opened the door to see that woman looking up at me with a strait face but starry
that struck me like an a sword, she smiled slightly but she gave me the" I have a bone to pick with you" the look that usually
men dread but I knew that she had moxy, this fierce gumption made me crave her all the more.”
they start talking about literature, and Amelia knows them all because she’s perfect, and rapidly gives one or two words
of opinion on any author or title he mentions. It’s clear she’s being a prat, and while Tenma should, like most
people, react by saying something like “Get the fuck out of my office or I'll staple your ass to a flag-fucking-pole!”,
he invites her into the other room to eat dinner. Apparently the food is orgasmic, but Amelia randomly leaves the room, goes
out into the moonlight and sings a song from Tales of Earthsea. Magnacarter pastes the full lyrics into this chapter
while Tenma comes in his pants.
calls, telling Amelia that she’s being reassigned or something, but Amelia quickly takes Tenma’s offer up. Magnacarter
says she signed it like this:
/fancy cursive think Victorian/
suddenly neither of them have a vehicle, so Amelia has to stay the night. Hooray!
feel it’s important to tell all of you right away that reading this chapter left me so bored and sexually-confused that
I found joy in making a topless woman out of Microsoft Word symbols.
boobies! AGAHAHAHA heh.
Five: “First time for everything” AKA “Pasta and Mints”
wakes up, and this happens.
“I took a good look at the woman sleeping with her breath was slow and easy, hinting
a breath of mint, the nightgown gave her body its feminine maturity.”
to let you know…every one of Magnacarter’s couples involve at least once the woman being asleep and the man coming
in and finding out she smells like mints. Any time a man is near a woman in a Magnacarter fiction and he discovers she smells
like mints, that's a warning that somebody's gonna get fucked. Anyways, she wakes up, and Tenma leaves her a fresh outfit
to wear to work. Apparently he “had a friend guess [her] size”. I don’t know if Wal-Mart has pantsuits that
are the size Perfect, but hey.
head to work, and Tenma basically informs her that she’ll be treated like a god in her new job. They go into the elevator,
and Tenma experiences this:
“[…] her body against my back gave me a strange sensation which did not go
unnoted the entire trip up until we stopped”
Tenma got a boner or something. Amelia goes to her office anyway and sings. Tenma comes in (uh, okay?) and asks about the
word “kokoro” from her song, which he should understand, because he’s Japanese.
and Baron come into the office too, and…fuck it, I can’t understand anything from this point, since it’s
too cluttered and messily-written. One minute, Amelia’s been assigned to fix this kid’s robot, and the next, she’s
giving the kid pasta and laughing at his description of Tenma. Here’s how the boy knows what a fucking chicken looks
“From my grandpa and grandma they own a chicken farm in Tennessee, the wattle is
a dangly flap that under his neck and a crest is on his head”
fan fiction alone has nine reviews, while I’m lucky to get one for anything I put on FanFiction.net. Why do you people
keep fuelling the poop train that is this child’s writing?
Six: “Awkward feelings (warning: there is sensitive content)” AKA “FML”
feels great because she’s special, but people are always staring at her like “a
big red dot in a white sheet of paper”. Speaking of paper, she goes into a room and looks at some drawings by
that kid from chapter five, but since she’s bending over, Tenma tugs on her underwear for lulz. She falls down and hears
some article of clothing tear, and Tenma complements her on her booty.
then starts to beat the shit out of him and chases him out of the building. As he carries her back into the building, she
tries to quit her job due to sexual harassment, but Tenma cancels the renovation of her office to bother her. She freaks out,
so he grabs her tits. Also, she passes out on his lap. What the hell is this?
bugs her a little more, and they kiss:
was a revelation as she clashed down on my face, as my mouth opened slightly I found smear of honey and chocolate dipped strawberry,
the taste was beyond contentment it was pleasure .I wanted more, I open my mouth I reached outwards to meet the taste of her
we all stop eating shit while making out and get on with the fragments of this plot? Charlotte doesn’t seem to be bothered
by the two necking and drops off some papers, then leaves. Magnacarter demonstrates the most messed-up comprehension of foreplay
I’ve ever read:
“We fell prey to each other, she pulled me forward and I the same.
As her hands were behind my head, mine were touching the curves from her hips on up, our hunger danced a tango and we too
with our feet danced a kind of waltz…”
Then, they go back to office work. It turns out that Tenma’s been telling all this to Astro in real time.
was never moved by another human being but she ,quote unquote "rocked me to my core" Amelia not only gave me understanding
but a lesson”
offense, Magnacarter, but if my father ever told me that my mother “rocked
[him] to [his] core” with complete seriousness, I’m pretty sure I’d shoot myself.
Seven: “His,Mine,and Our feelings” AKA “This Story Is Like Watching Animals Drown In A Cess Pool”
showers, and her phone goes off, but a hologram of Tenma appears in the bathroom and is all “yay, boobies”. Magnacarter,
you have the perverse ingenuity of a lolicon anime. After being visually violated, she goes to work, and greets Tenma with
a kick in the face. Hilarity!
ensures Amelia comes no closer to the legal definition of murder, but after Amelia says she can’t beat Tenma up anymore,
Baron says the reason is that Amelia loves Tenma, and ensured that the two would get to work together. They start talking
about Baron’s husband, then Amelia’s Irish brothers call after a concert in China while my brain goes “oh
that’s fucking stupid.”
asks her about her family, and she has this many brothers:
and three sisters" I answered sheepishly
only Nineteen Kids And Counting is capable of shitting out that many purposeless babies in the modern world, but yet,
she goes on about her family some more. Oh, suddenly she’s yelling at Tenma, and he just handcuffed her behind her back.
Apparently she smells like vanilla, so you know forced coitus is around the corner. She gets unhandcuffed, goes on about Tenma
having a hairless chest, and the term “erotic dance” is thrown
in for measure.
gets a call from Amelia’s brothers, whom arrive after the two have put their clothing back on, and the guys offer to
get Amelia to sing with them at the Metro City Ball. And then it ends… OH FUCK ME IS THERE SERIOUSLY ANOTHER CHAPTER
Eight: “The settling and unsettling” AKA “hnsdjkgkdsjghdsjkgh”
The first paragraph shits on for a while about what’s going
to happen at the Metro City Ball, since Magnacarter’s target audience doesn’t know what a ball is other than those
bunch of reporters come into Amelia’s office, asking her when her next project will be done and if she’s singing
at the ball. Like a strong modern woman, she pees herself and bawws until they leave. Tenma comes in and she gives him a “rum spice cake”, but somebody named Dickens Lawrence Lemon comes in and
tells the room that he plans to propose to Amelia at the ball. She responds by beating the shit out of him. Also, he couldn’t
eat spice cake.
Tenma’s “POV”, we get about two paragraphs about random
shit like Amelia stomping around a lab and Tenma having to speak Russian on the phone. Apparently one of the technicians spilled
coffee on the floor, so Amelia took the time to PMS out, which is usually grounds for termination.
do you need to know? Its not your project, keep your nose out of mine before you go home with it half but off" she spouted
said that to Tenma, the Minister of Science, ergo the leader of the building and her employer. This random girl comes up and
puts an “anesthesia drop dot” on Amelia’s neck to make
her pass out. I want everybody in this story dead. I hate this story, and yet I’m writing an article about this story.
What the hell is happening over here?
happens, and Tenma carries an unconscious Amelia into a limo, where a guy named Thaddeus is reading porn on his iPad a few
seats away. A few hours out of the city, Tenma decides Amelia is asleep enough to start taking off her clothes. She mumbles
a misspelling of the Japanese word for “doctor” in her sleep, so he knocks it off. Tenma randomly goes to the
front of the limo, and we get the best line in this fan fiction that sums up how dreadful it all is:
watched the two masturbate in my limo.”
after passively giving the wankers shit about that, they arrive at the Indonesia Grand Hotel. The following woman, an Indonesian
woman named Sue-Yung – a Chinese name – comes out and greets them:
rang a bell and walked out from the door was young woman 4'9 feet tall (1m 45cm) wearing a blue and green with crane kimono
walking up to us and then bowed from the waist to greet us.”
Sue Yung is a blend of three different Asian cultures. You are a stupid white person, you have made an unrealistically intricate
hotel, written an insipid Astro Boy fan fiction with about four Astro Boy characters in it, and you think this is an acceptable
thing to write:
hotel refers to keep male and female pairs together, unless supervised otherwise, also it was a better idea because incase
of any emergency the male will help the other out of the room, do you prefer that you share with me"
let me get this straight…this hotel makes men and women share rooms, regardless of relationship, so that if there’s
a fire the man can help the woman out of the room?! Do you have a second definition of feminism that you can give to
it ends with Tenma trying to sleep and suppress his boner, while Sue-Yung washes the unconscious Amelia’s body. THE
END FOR NOW. Oh my God. This is the worst fan fiction I’ve ever read, and I’ve read absolute shit. At least
when Monkayfun2K5 wrote crap, he did it with enthusiasm and Astro Boy characters. I've completely melted down in this article, but I've felt
more pain through reading this story than what Crush gave to me.
HERE, HAVE A VIDEO SUMMARIZING MY REACTION IN TEN SECONDS INSTEAD OF TWENTY F-WORDS BLU-HA-HA-HEH.