Just like in Lupin, the book contains random, dirty scenarios that I'd suspect to be in a hentai
or Robot Chicken
. Take this part where J.J. and the Major discover a woman named Gerda (I figure she's from the
first book) in a strange position with the unwilling and barely-awake Raoul Fontaine (I still imagine him as Goemon for
The Major unclasped the holster flap shielding his trusty Browning and withdrew his pistol. Then, stepping with an
incredibly agile gait, he made his way across the room without one floorboard creaking,
"Cheeka-ya-ya!" He roared and pulled back the hammer on the gun.
Gerda's head had snapped back in a moment of ecstasy as she was seconds away from her climax. She now found herself
staring into the barrel of the upside-down Major's gun.
Fraulein Zaftiger began to scream hysterically.
Macdonald had been a good ten minutes behind Knickerson all the way. So while the Major was in stunned shock watching
Gerda having a good time, Macdonald was making a furious and fruitless search of the Red Cross corridors to try and bail the
Major out before he got himself shot or thrust into a straightjacket.
Then he heard the scream.
Oh, no! What's he done! Macdonald galloped up the stairs, led on by the deafening female caterwauling. He burst into
the bedroom to discover a nude Gerda Zaftiger mounted on a now conscious and confused Raoul Fontaine with a frantic Rupert
Knickerson attempting to silence her.
"Ahem. No reason to carry on like this, Fraulein Zaftiger. I've captured you fair and square. Now give up your prisoner!"
"Rupert, for Chrissake, she can't hear you. She's hysterical!"
"Oh! Is that what it is? Good thing you arrived, Macdonald. I've been having the devil of a time trying to silence
her. Can't you do anything?"
Macdonald did do something. He belted Gerda across the face with the palm of his hand, silencing her hysterical fit.
"Good show, Macdonald."
"Oh, terrific," replied the Canadian, staring at Gerda's still open but glassy eyes. "She's gone from hysteria to
catatonia. What the hell did you do to her, Rupert?"
"Nothing, dammit!" the Major snapped back defensively, reaching for a towel on the bed to wipe the rivers of persperation
from his forehead.
"Don't wipe your face with that towel," intoned the archangel Menquist. "They must have just used it for intercourse."
"Aaagh!" And Knickerson dropped the towel back onto the bed.
"What the hell's he doing here?" asked JJ, pointing at Menquist.
"The man's been of immeasurable assistance--"
"Terrific! Maybe he can give us a cover story for when the Swiss police turn up and--"
"Ohhh, Macdonald! Do you take me for an amateur? The first thing I did when I arrived was post a sentry."
"Okay. Okay. Let's get out of here then. Come on, Raoul. Allons! Vite!"
"Je ne peux pas, Macdonald," moaned Fontaine.
"C'est assez, Raoul. Nous devons nous depecher. Les gendarmes suisses arrivent--"
"Je suis coince!" wailed Fontaine and pointed to the problem.
"Oh, Jesus!" gasped Macdonald. "He's stuck in her snootch."
"How's that, Macdonald?"
"Well, take a look, Rupert!"
"I'm not looking down there," retorted Knickerson, quitting the bed area abruptly.
Yeah. So the Major takes Gerda's shoulders and JJ takes Raoul's and they try to pull. And when they
can't, uh, detatch Gerda from Raoul, the cops show up outside (chp. 4, pg. 32):
They had been conducting their human tug-of-war for two minutes when the stillness of the night was shattered
by the sound of police sirens.
"Come on, Rupert, that's blow. If they catch us up here--"
"But we can't leave Fontaine!"
"We have to!"
"Ne me laissez pas ici," wailed Fontaine.
"I'm sorry," shrugged JJ helplessly. Then he lit a cigarette and placed it between the Frenchman's lips.
"Just stay calm till the cops get here."
Yeah, that was disturbing. Fun, though. I can totally imagine
Lupin J.J. sticking a cigarette in
temporarily-immobile Raoul's mouth before jumping out the window.
Aside from all this wild, casual sex and jovial violence, the two are sent on a USS tour boat where
JJ meets Pepper (he spends all day trying to find her by the scent of her perfume, and when he finally finds her, a strong
wind blows off her halter top and the top hits him in the face) and even more stuff happens. Then, the two are sent to a Sudanese
village where they lose sight of the Major, get seperated and once JJ meets back up with the Major, a big soldier named Ahmed
joins their party and likes to "bash dem Germans" as he says. Then they get to Sicily, meet Giovanna, the Major falls
for her REALLY quickly, then the mafia takes over the church that JJ was told had the chalice, and then...you'll have to read
the rest. It's at least $2.50 on Biblio.com
, so check it out. Hey, maybe if the odds are on your side, one of your local used book shops had a copy.
(One star docked for two penis jokes, a bit of female stereotyping and resorting to using the pronoun
"cocksucker" to describe a German officer)
But really, please don't think that the entire book is filthy. I mean, there's quite a few bits of WHOA,
but there's still plenty of action and adventure.