Hey, we're back, everybody! It's been a while since I've completed a Gigantor review, mostly because I had
more important things to do offline, but now I'd like to finish the reviews. If you're new to this and need a recap, the following
picture depicts everything in the series:
It was exactly like that.
Also, earlier this year, I wound up with a copy of the original Tetsujin 28 manga by Mitsuteru Yokoyama,
the 1970 edition. Both it and Gigantor The Comic are intended for kids, but Tetsujin the Manga is actually the most insane
children's comic I've ever seen. There's so many instances of people getting hit in the head or children using firearms that
I almost thought it was written by Seanbaby.
So it got animated, and Fred Ladd was supposed to take this Death And Morality Shit Show and make it not
horrifying for American kids. The Japanese studio told him not to touch the first twenty-six episodes due to the direct
reference to WWII. This left him with about a hundred episodes of formulaic filler that he had to soften for American kids,
and by the end, everybody was named for dicks or adjectives and people didn't die, they were "sleeping". And then Gigantor
the Comic made this simple for kids even more, and none of the characters have a personality anymore. It's like trying
to water down an acid to the point where it becomes urine.
This issue has a page on the opposite of the front cover with an "inspirational" quote from Ben Dunn about
how anybody who likes anime needs to watch Gigantor to give it credit. Not Tetsujin 28, but Gigantor. I tried watching
Gigantor back in 2009, and it felt like it was trying to steal my genitals.
This issue is called Katzmeow's Deadly Plan, but man, haven't all the past titles just been variants on
Your Name Here's Adjective Plan?
We open with the Gigayntor group lounging around a small base, mentioning that they only have a thousand
men to defend themselves with, but fifty thousand men are coming soon. Jimmy turns out to be talking with Captain Henri. Seriously
Dunn, "Henri"? That's not a commander's name; that's what a drag queen names her pet parrot.
Information is retread into the next page, all to the effect of "I CAN'T LET THEM WIN!". This is all boring
as dicks until they get a radio transmission from the reinforcements. Blooper is surprised that Katzmeow's army has a navy,
but shit in a hat, why would they not?! This is Antarctica we're talking about, so how else would they have gotten
"They've got bombs, and hey Grant, pass the weed-- uh, I mean..."
You're supposed to be in the army! You should be able to defend yourself and have weapons, so...ugh, forget
that. Look at the last speech bubble.
"Ahhhhh..."? That's not something you say when you explode. That's something you say when you kick back
by the beach with a nice drink. Maybe the navy decided they were too good for this crap and made up a cover story while
they relaxed elsewhere. Jimym calls Katzmeow a fiend and swears revenge while everyone else looks like they're asleep
Gigantor and the group go outside, where they're advanced on by a bunch of tanks. Gigantor responds by killing
everything he sees, until...uh...
It's a good thing Dunn specified that it's a "freezing liquid", or I would have just assumed that Katzmeow's
secret plan involved a giant robotic bukkake incident.
In the end, Gigantor is frozen solid within this liquid, and I can't look at the full panel without almost
puking. This really is a golden era for Toontown...we went from in-depth journalistic research
to freaking out about robots encased in semen. If I were any older, I'd weep for my lost youth.
They were planning to blow him up in the previous panel.
Dick Strong returns, bringing a shred of badassity back to the comic. He basically brings in a tip on how
to melt freezing solvent, which is done by spraying it with hot water and then setting Gigantor on fire
. I'm pretty sure Shotaro Kaneda would smack the shit out of Kenji if he ever suggested that.
If this were Tetsujin, Kenji would have curled up in a corner crying about war while Ryu's
ghost stood by him whistling.
So these crazy motherfuckers go on and charge Katzmeow's base, while the man and his friends are all sitting
around drinking wine. When shit starts exploding, all Katzmeow manages to say is "Ach du lieber!"
So he's German? How come the only way to indicate he's German is to make him be evil and swear in German? This
sounds stupid, but I wish we could have a comic about robots smashing stuff without getting xenophobic.
NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE!
Gigantor proceeds to utterly destroy everything he sees, as evidenced by the above panel's terrified base
grunts, before the whole damn base explodes. I'd love to see someone try to do an alternate version of the Gigantor comics
from the villain's perspective. The chapters would all be titled "I Was Trying To Sleep But This Fucking Robot Came By" or
"Rob Tries To Call His Wife But Almost Gets Crushed".
WILL EVERYBODY STOP OOZING THINGS
Jimmy and Blooper panic about not seeing Gigantor yet, but sure enough, the robot jumps out from a layer
of rubble and fire. Don't these bastards care about whether or not they have dozens of dead base workers who were technically
innocent on their hands, or is murder excused when the people are on the "bad side"?
This comic is meant for kids, and maybe I'm a little sensitive, but I actually find it a little sick that
they'd show guys running around in terror promptly before implying that they all met a slow, fiery death. This comic is so
damn dumb and confusing that I don't think I want to review it at all anymore. Toontown has been running since October 2006,
and this is the first time I've been able to find the enthusiasm for a review series. It seems to be that all subsequent articles
will be comic panels accompianied by my panicked flailing, and I don't want to do this to my readers.
Jimmy asks Brilliant, "I just hope we've seen the last of Dr. Katzmeow!" Rather than post Brilliant's mind-numbingly
trite response, here's an improvement...
After that is an ad for the "Gigantor Episode Guide", which costs $14.95 and is fairly rare today because
nobody bought it in 2000. And after that, knowing they have a market of impressionable young children already, is another
ad for a VHS copy of "Spider's Master Plan", two dubbed episodes that were edited together and used as inspiration for the first six Gigantor issues
. This costs $24.95, thus marking the last time anybody ever paid $24.95 for a VHS tape.
And then there's a promo on the back cover for "Gold Digger: Gold Brick", a book that contains the first
twenty-five issues of a terrible Antarctic Press series about miners with huge tits. Look at this cover...
This is the most spectacularly horrifying misuse of anatomy I've ever seen. That cheetah thing looks like
it has a toddler stored in each of her thighs, the girl in purple looks like she has lemons for breasts, and the guy with
the red hair's head is so small that I don't even know how to feel. Both genders are portrayed so abysmally that I don't think
I even have a sexual orientation anymore. Looking at this image is more emotionally-damaging than getting molested by Slenderman.
Also...this was advertised on the back of a children's comic. I wouldn't give this to my younger brother
if I knew he'd run into Freakboob McNipplethigh at the end, and I don't know how many children grew up to wonder where the
toddler storage capsule was on a woman's leg.
I think this is the last Gigantor review. After my road trip in real life, I'll be back with a new Fetish
Analysis article and some more intelligent pieces of writing.
So long, Gigantor. It's been fun. (Spoiler: it has almost certainly not been fun.)
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