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Gigantor Issue Seven

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The really unique thing about the Gigantor series, for me, is how it pulls a variant on the NOW! Comics effect. It starts out looking all right while the plot degenerates into manchild scribblings, then halfway through, the art takes a nosedive. Then for the last few issues, another artist is brought in. Whereas Brian Thomas was the Funky Nerd Jesus that the series should have always had, our last guy for the Gigantor series, David Hutchison, draws every character to look like anime menstruated and then got into a fiery car crash.
 
He's not in yet, however. We've entered the second circle of hell, and that is the Ben Dunn Alone circle. Last night, I had a dream where issue nine's art was all lopsided crap done in MSPaint, and I didn't even know the difference until I woke up. All I know is that I have AAAAAH MAN WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
 
NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE!
 
You get another bonus "pin-up" on the opposite of the front cover. I really don't want this travesty committed to paper pinned up on my wall, since I know I'd wake up in the middle of the night to find it right in front of my face. I don't know who Tom Seko is, but he successfully portrayed what was probably the last thing Mitsuteru Yokoyama saw before he died.
 
This issue, titled "Struggle at the South Pole", is based on what is considered the first English Gigantor episode, but the 27th Tetsujin 28 episode. I have no access to the original material, as asking an anime shop to order it got me laughed out of the store, and Hulu only lets people in the United Snakes of America watch the series, but apparently Ben Dunn and newcomer Doug Dlin have "adapted" it.
 
 
The narration box sets us in "the year 2000" at Brilliant's lab, where Inspector Blooper is running around like an insane monkey in search of Jimmy. He's cleaning Gigantor, and Blooper goes to a conveniently-placed TV to show him a conveniently-placed TV report about shit exploding in Antarctica. Dunn pastes a giant map of Antarctica and an explosion on three quarters of the next page, and Blooper declares that the United Nations want to pull a little boy and his pet robot into the situation.
 
Then, Dr. Brilliant comes in. The best part of this scene is how on the previous page, Blooper says outright that they don't know who's blowing stuff up, but then Brilliant appears and tells them right after who's responsible. So, it's a guy named Dr. Katzmeow. I know that was in the 1963 dub, Dunn and Dlin, but are you for real? You moved the story to the 2000s, you've added characters, so don't need to keep that old crap. My ass pronounces names better than that when it's regurgitating Burger King.
 
Note how they don't ever show him below the belt.
 
Agent Dick Strong shows up, and the only one who's not surprised to see him is Brilliant, so make up your own damn joke about Dick staying over for breakfast. What I find the most astounding is the dialogue above, which is either a terrible demonstration of human interaction or a bad penis joke.
 
"Agent Dick Strong!!"
"Of course I am!"
 
Only Dr. Brilliant would know for sure, though. I don't hunt for this crap. It comes to me.
 
Above: Blooper finds a way to be allergic to ice.
 
So with our merry band of sexually ambiguous fellows heading to Antarctica, Dr. Brilliant tells them over a plane trip that Antarctica is a magical zit oozing with rare minerals, and all the countries want military bases there because the magnetic field "repels" radiation. I wouldn't know if it's true, and I hope it is, because otherwise Brilliant is a straight-up idiot.
 
The plane they're in comes under attack, because, you know what? Flying into a raw warzone is sort of a bad idea. Jimmy takes out Gigantor and has him smash the planes in a way that's both amusing and horrifying.
 
Oh God, it's like one of Seanbaby's Popsicle Pete comics.
 
So after murdering a number of humans, Jimmy and Brilliant's plane attempts to crashland on the mountains. Gigantor stops the plane by pushing it, causing every single person on board to say "Hooray for Gigantor!" in unison. Then the group goes out towards Dr. Katzmeow's base...but only the four of them. There was a pilot and a co-pilot. What the hell happened to them?
 
 
Oh. Shit. I wouldn't be surprised.
 
I'd say they ate him on the way there, but I'm having a flashback of that bloody movie.
 
As Gigantor drags the four across the arctic tundra in a box, Blooper notices some penguins up ahead, which promptly turn out to be robotic penguins with machine guns in their nipples. The group starts shooting at them, and as soon as a tank is spotted up in the distance, Brilliant orders Jimmy to make Gigantor crush fucking everything. That he does. Mind you, all soldiers present were minding their own business and not even moving far from the base.
 
"My sexy, sexy little pigeon."
 
Dick somehow gets seperated from the group, and hides in a cavern until a panicked soldier passes by, upon which he knocks the poor fucker out and steals his uniform. Like, the whole uniform, leaving the guy in his underwear in the snow. Setting aside how this guy would probably die outside of cartoon logic, Dick Strong knocked out and stripped a man.
 
Although Dorian Red would probably look
at Dick Strong and go, "Oh my, that's far too gay."
 
In the meantime, Blooper is watching the robotic carnality out in the distance, saying, "That'll teach you to mess with Gigantor!"
 
I'm sorry, you tragic idiot, but they did literally nothing to Gigantor. Four planes came up to your plane and opened fire because you just showed up out of nowhere. Now this robot's arrived and has started blowing up machinery and soldiers, so at this point I don't even know who to root for. Brilliant seems to be getting antsy, too.
 
"Ignatz, where the fuck is my man?"
 
Dick is finally showing that he has some skills as a human being and has walked right into the army base, even without killing thirty people. There, he discovers the "Spritzer", which is basically a tank that shoots ice out of the top and will somehow defeat Gigantor. Dick immediately has to pretend that he's one of the new recruits, as one of his superiors comes up and totally asks him out.
 
Wasn't this what the song "YMCA" was about, right?
 
In the meantime, Dr. Katzmeow's assistants have met in the secret boardroom, and we find out that Katzmeow is the unholy spawn of I.Q. Plenty and Tatsu Murasame.
 
 
And he has a secret plan to destroy Gigantor. It probably involves the damn ice-shooting tanks as mentioned three pages earlier, but this is to be continued. It always is.
 
 
On the back of the issue is an advertisement for a "stunning" Gigantor poster, which is really just a 22"x34" blown-up version of the first issue's cover. You've got the option to have it signed by WIIIIGHT himself; the poster is $13 postpaid, but an autographed poster is $25 postpaid. Really, WIGHT? It costs twelve dollars more to make you pick up a Sharpie and rub it against Gigantor's foot?
 
This issue was what happens if Fred Ladd and Mitsuteru Yokoyama get stoned together. The characters were exploding shit all over the place with no rhyme or reason, and my brain's only stable reaction to it was to cry a little and compare it to Cannibal Holocaust. I have not sworn this much in the review series, but I can see this record being topped very soon.
 
It's not even about Gigantor anymore. It's the tragic documentary of a stoic homosexual couple and their friend with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome who kidnap a little boy and force him to perform giant robot cockfights for their entertainment. There's a certain "Holy Shit What" factor missing from all of this that the NOW! Comics series had, and I'm actually starting to miss that. But, good job on not making Dick/Kenji a total prat, though.
 
 
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