People who have been in close contact with me over the past few weeks may have heard already that I'm getting
pretty bored with this current arc in the Gigantor series. At this point, it's no longer about a little boy controlling a
robot; it's about a man sending a group of children to their deaths in space while trying to say something retarded enough
to make their ship explode.
For that matter, Antarctic Press...you got the license to a show with a character named "Dick Strong", and
you do nothing with him? Do you know what kind of dick and pun filled goldmine you've hit? But instead you're making barely
tolerable characters dance around while stretching walking scenes out to last two pages. I've had more fun trying to
ignore masturbating hobos on the bus. I realized only now that I forgot to scan two pages of this issue, and I almost didn't
go back and do so because of the lack of a fuck I gave.
I missed this feeling
. It's so horrible, but I have. Now stop fucking around and give me something lulzy to work with, Dunn.
The first thing I see upon opening this issue is a "fantabulous pin-up". This is not fantabulous; it's a
shot of Tetsujin flexing while words shoot out of his dick. This is printed on the other side of the front cover, so even
if I were eight years old, there's no way in hell I'd deface a comic book like that.
Every fictional evil army ever is going to be inspired by the goddamn Nazis.
We start off right away with Captain Spider briefing his moon troops, revealing that his evil plan is actually
pretty fucked up; basically he's going to provoke the Third Impact. Meanwhile, Jake and Kristen Ruby are still two stupid
children flying a shuttle.
The awkward sexual tension in this room must be awful.
In the meantime on Earth, the military, Emma East's giant head, and J.J. Macdonald
launch a number of missiles at the moon, so Spider fires back. The kids land the shuttle, and with Otsuka leading, the Earth
troops head off to storm the moon base. How come a private detective is able to lead a space army? And how did Jimmy get into
the middle of the moon base all of a sudden without getting his ass mowed down? Why do I still have enough energy to care
Jimmy finds the control box just kinda sitting on a table in the middle of hellfire, and upon grabbing it,
Spider shows up and decides to force him "use Gigantor against [his] friends", which sounds a shitton less efficient than
just taking the goddamn control box away from Jimmy. And since Jimmy also seems to have a brain tumour, he throws the control
box over Spider's shoulder.
Jake catches it, and brings Gigantor into the story in a way so awesome that I needed to add extra words
to the panel. Jake gives Jimmy back the control box, and suddenly, Count Alberto shows up inside Black Giant
to fight. Normally I love a well-done robot fight as much as the next guy, but watching Ben Dunn draw a battle is slightly
less interesting than a conference about types of bread.
Also, Gigantor gets tentacle raped or something. I don't know. I'd love to pay attention, but I'm afraid
of suffering brain trauma.
So Gigantor suddenly leans really far into Spider's octopus robot, causing it to shoot into the air and
explode. Gigantor stands around in flames afterwards, while one of the kids says aloud what's been on all our minds...
You know it's been a bad comic if one of the characters actually fucking says it's
Jake and Kristen died on the way back to their home planet.
Jake and Kristen claim that we're going to see them again in the series. I hate to spoil this for you kids,
but you don't. They're terrible characters and we don't see them again because they add nothing good to the series. Captain
Spider claims we'll see him again in Antarctica, but you don't.
We dicked around for the last three issues to get to this? They went to the moon, Spider was going
to attack, and Alberto was going to attack, but Spider attacked Alberto. Two free-running plot lines literally hit each other
How many people paid full-price for this in 2000? Reading this made my skull itch. Ben Dunn is probably
responsible for a series of sudden deaths in nine-year-old boys, cause of death being Head Asplode. I've had chronic dysmenorrhea
fits that are more tolerable than what Antarctic Press just tried to feed me.
But it's getting better soon, ladies and gentlemen.
Next issue, Inspector Blooper, Jimmy, Dr. Brilliant and Dick Strong finally get back together to have a
wacky adventure on the other end of the planet. The art is no longer in colour, but the bro times finally begin. Oh wait,
This is on the back of the comic, and it's an ad for a How To Draw Manga book by the people who work at
Antarctic Press. Apparently, if you buy the same book three times, you get a really half-assed "mural". Okay, so the Dunn
and Perry covers kinda share halves of that eraser. I still find no need to buy the same book twice to quench my obsessive
thirst to see the other end of an eraser.
I'd probably go for the Warren edition of the book, as the girl on the cover is quite cute, and the style
used doesn't scream "White Guy Pretending To Be Gou Nagai". Dunn's cover puts together everything I hate, including furries,
lolicon and poorly-designed characters. I mean Christ, this one has an underaged girl's pantied ass on the cover, so what
the fuck were you drinking when this seemed like a stable idea, Dunn? Perry's cover, however, accidentally used his fan art
for a gender-reversed lesbian Street Fighter fan fiction.
I have a headache.
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