Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! Today we’re going to explore the second issue of Gigantor, which
I originally bought during a weekend family trip to Regina, from Tramps Books & Comics. That place, I tell you, is
Saskatchewan’s nerd heaven, and you should all go there. The best part is how when I was leaving the place with my mother
(whom had insisted on coming along, since someone gets stabbed in Regina every time you flush a toilet), we passed a row of
arcade cabinets near the front door, and this goth guy started playing one. He put a quarter in and growled, “The
time is now.”
And indeed, the time is now to check out this comic! The special thing about this issue is how crap really
starts to hit the fan in this issue. Hell, right on the cover are two things that bother me.
PROBLEM ONE: That train looks like a dong.
PROBLEM TWO: Look in the corner…
This is the last name of the guy who rendered the cover with his ancient 1990's software. Unfortunately,
it doesn’t even blend in artistically with the rest of the picture, so we’ve just got this Arial WIGHT over here.
Do you know that part in the beginning of the Orguss opening
, when that robot voice goes “ORRR-GUSSSS
”? That’s what I imagine here, but with Wight. WIII-IIIGHT.
Let’s open the bloody book.
Surprise, it’s Kenji Murasame, my most favourite Mitsuteru Yokoyama character! On the trip in Regina,
I chose to sleep in a 3’x7’ closet in our hotel room, since it was less unsettling than sharing a bed with my
younger sister. So there I am on this makeshift bed in a closet, holding this comic, when I turn to this page and explode
with joy. Suddenly, the trip is ten times better! Oh Kenji, if only you were actually wearing pink.
Also, note if you will that his pose here is dead-on to a picture of him from the Giant Robo model sheets
. And Emma East is doing the most she’ll do in this issue, as you can see by how she's managing to hold her arms
up. “Heart of Steel, Soul of Iron” is an ass-tastic title, too, while we're talking.
"Well guess what, General Reese! I am indeed making it into a big toy!"
After a whole page just talking flowery about repairing Gigantor, we cut to a general freaking out about
letting Jimmy control a giant robot, which is a pretty standard reaction. Emma talks shit under her breath, and the general
leaves, calling Dr. Brilliant a “milksop
scientist” and ordering Lord Jim to “talk some sense into him”. Jim agrees, and then disappears from the
"Strange man; he seemed to be staring at my ass the whole time."
Emma asks Brilliant why he’d let a kid control a robot, and his answer is because a kid is too innocent
to wholly use one as a weapon. We then cut back to the past, where Brilliant, his father-in-law Dr. Sparks (the father of
the other guy
) and their workers are celebrating the completion of Gigantor. Prince Mecha turns out to have been on the team, and aside
from the question of why only middle-aged men are working on Gigantor, Jimmy is out in the garage, touching Gigantor’s
"And that was when I realized my nephew was apeshit insane."
Also, Jimmy seems to think he’s alive.
Aside from Kenji being named after the male genetalia, there is an awful lot of homoerotic
tension between these two. I'm not complaining.
The next day, Jimmy, Brilliant, and Kenji drive out to the—
No, no, wait. Kenji is named Agent Dick Strong.
I understand that was his name in the English version of Tetsujin 28 in 1963, but here they’re using
his design from Giant Robo. This comic was from 2000; putting Giant Robo characters in something could definitely pull in
readers, but they’re going to open the comic and go, “Oh wow, it’s the Immortal Murasame! Wait, his name
is Agent Cock Hefty.”
Anyway, he’s driving them out to see the first outdoor test of Gigantor, while showing off his newfound
ability to be an in-your-face smartass. Now, take a look at the left hand side of the following panel.
Your eyes do not deceive you. Someone in the future has found a way to genetically blend Chief Chujo and
Professor Go’s DNA together to give them a biological son. I mean, look at that guy's pipe, his slicked-back greying
hair, and his black line eyes. Dr. Lars Lazurus there is the successful cross-combination of Giant Robo’s prime
gay couple. This isn’t so much a robot test as it is the world’s first scientist pride parade, and Lazurus is
taking time off from running a copyright infringement gamble to support his dads.
The worst part of this is Jason Byrne. See, he's holding a lighter,
Now, Dunn tries to tell us that Lazurus was part of a team called “The Four” who all had special
powers that came from a “cosmic quantum anomaly”. This is all mentioned on one page and then never again, so what
the fuck are we doing here, Dunn? One moment we’re going to test Gigantor, the next we’re wondering how two men
can have a biological baby, and now Stan Lee is feeling really itchy for no reason.
Yes, Jimmy shared Gigantor's triumph, promptly before becoming the next Tsutomu Miyazaki.
Dr. Sparks gives Jimmy the control box, and lets him control Gigantor while people blast it with flaming
shit. The control box magically vibrates, and Jimmy’s skin glows for some reason, as shown above. Hey, have some more
Sparks' cocaine-fuelled design sessions always ended in disaster.
See, robots have magical chip brains that look like our brains, and they respond to magical auras that we
all give off! It’s scientifically sound!
The base suddenly comes under attack, and it’s led by none other than…
…GR-2, here known as “Goliath”! I told you Prince Mecha was Cervantes! GR-2 is
Cervantes’ baby, and only he is capable of riding on its shoulder with a flowing cloak while being flamboyantly gay.
While we could have had an awesome robot fight right here, someone else is joining the battle…
HOLY FUCKING FUCK. Dunn, what was going through your mind when you wrote this?! I bought
this comic hoping for awesome bro times with Kenji Murasame and Tetsujin 28, but now you’re dragging in Marvel Comics’
character roster. I’m pretty sure if Stan Lee found out in 2000 that you did this, he’d punch you out of a window.
While Stan Lee’s Spidey-Senses go off like the Fourth of July, Dr. Lazurus steps in to stop…urgh…Grand
Zoom’s robot ninjas, since Lazurus clearly wants to amend his past of cultivating copyright infringement.
"Your robot ninja crotches don't faze me!"
He’s going to do the Big Bang Punch, right? Oh man, you don’t even know what kind of high-pitched
noise of glee I’d make if he inherited the Big Bang Punch from his father.
Also, Dick is suddenly wearing pink. I'm still not complaining.
Okay, I have a wacky story for you all now.
After our trip to Regina, I met up with a close friend in the school library, and showed her this panel.
It bothered her a lot too, and after a bit of research, we found the line came from an old Dunkin’ Donuts commercial.
“Time to make the donuts” had spawned off to be a line that everybody forty or older said before doing something
complicated. Sure, a cultural throwback is nice, but not when it’s coming out of an über pimp like Kenji Murasame.
This line bothering us both, we went to lunch in the stairwell, and at the time we were having some problems
with a kid named Katelyn. I looked her right in the face and said, “Katelyn, time to make the donuts.”
And she starts to lose her shit. My friend and I keep talking about something else, when pleadingly, Katelyn
asks me to tell her why I said that. I said it was from this comic, see, Kenji’s saying it. Katelyn told me that her
father used to say “time to make the donuts” right before cooking burgers, but the last time he’d said it
was when she was six years old. She didn’t know it came from a commercial, she didn’t know it was from a comic;
all she knew was that I had reached into her mind, grabbed a private part of her childhood, and slapped her with it.
Technically, this issue is responsible for helping me rape my rival’s psyche, so that’s one
good thing about it.
"Quickly! Down this corridor! I have to ruin your childhood!"
In the meantime, Dr. Sparks and company are trying to escape, but that gets complicated when Sparks turns
out to have a deadly allergic reaction to being pushed backwards. As he dies, he asks Jimmy to promise he won’t “let
anyone else have Gigantor”, and Jimmy suddenly runs into the building.
"I'M HOLDIN' A GUN AND I JUST SHOT YOU IN THE THIGH AW YEAH BABY."
In the meantime, Dick is mowing down robot ninjas with a pistol, which in reality should be the best thing
ever for a Kenji fan, but it’s marred by Dick’s inability to shut up. To take in just his speech bubbles,
you’d think he were aggressively having sex rather than shooting down bad guys.
The issue ends with Gigantor awakening behind Dick, to which he says, “Oh, riiight!” He’s
been turned into such a smart-ass bastard; he really is a Dick.
So, we’ve got the start of what could turn into an awesome giant robot battle…if not for the
fact that Marvel characters are tossed in with no reason why. This is what NOW! Comics did that pissed me off more than anything
else they shat into their comics…instead of taking an opportunity to use some classic characters from Tezuka (Yokoyama
in this case), Antarctic Press pulled random ones out of their ass. But this time, they’re deliberate, illegal clones
of characters they have no rights to. Ken Steacy humanized a toy gun
, but Ben Dunn took Dr. Doom and called him Grand Zoom.
On the plus side, there’s another ten issues ahead of lulzy bro times with the central four Gigantor
characters, known as the Brilliant-Sparks-Strong-Blooper ring.
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