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Fauna Goes To Evangelion 1.0

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Note: This article was originally written in late October 2009, intended to be put on Cracked.com. Obviously I was forced to wait in a long line of potential writers, so this article is going here instead. However, this was formatted to comply with a non-anime fan reader base, but here I've posted the original version.
Pretend that is not Spanish, and you're good to go.
Somewhat recently - September 30th, 2009 to be precise - I saw the new movie Evangelion 1.0. This happens to be one of four movie remakes of a particular 1995 TV anime, known as Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's extremely famous...go onto Google and type "neon", and look at the first result in Auto Complete. The show is famous for having over-the-top violence, giant robots that are not robots, the sexualization of 14 year old girls, and making no sense on its own. That must've been all that 2/3 of the theatre inhabitants knew.

I walked in with about ten minutes to the actual movie, with a little cup of Mini-Melts. You know, those little ice cream spheres? If you have one, you forget that you will die someday. That was the most my mind contained then. I did notice that there were very few people in the theatre; there were three teenaged girls scattered around, Comic Book Guy, and two brothers, presumably 10 and 15 years old. I pitied the younger of the two then, and afterwards, I had every right to. The older brother obviously wanted to see the movie and took his brother, unaware of the blood and boobs, or the younger brother tagged along. Either way, it's not truly for children.

Within seven minutes, the population inside the theatre had fluxed to include seventy-one people (which I counted out of boredom), which brought in more Comic Book Guys and their bands of possibly-unwilling companions. There were a few couples too, presumably there because the female was an anime fan and promised the male various sexual acts. Or, maybe they just came to heckle the entire movie. I would know, being that these two dickheads sat near me and laughed at every single gory part, like if Third Angel (this being an absurd-looking monster), instead of shooting out a shower of blood upon defeat, it shot out sharks with top hats and monocles.

Well, fuck you two, too.

The most notable resident was a strange old man with a stranger stick. The stick was slightly too short and thick to be a walking stick, and even though I was too far away, the stick had various wires hanging from it, with round objects on the end of those wires. (Is that an obscure sexual metaphor? Please bastardize the guestbook now.) This old man was literally an old man, someone you would see waiting for a bus, or watching teenage girls changing from a telescope in his condo. Wait, that may be why he showed up.

Nerv Girl came along with a friend, too. Nerv Girl is an uncommon fixture in my city, a woman in her early-twenties whom has a bag with the Nerv logo on it. She used to go to my school and had usually been on my bus, but has become sparingly visible in recent years. She never speaks, and I try to not to do the same to her. It was good to see her in captivity this time. Nerv Girl, the young brothers, the people waiting before me and I were possibly the most-dedicated fans there.

Who cares if the visuals are spectacular? Who cares if the storyline makes more sense in this incarnation? Who cares if it was a terrific English dub? The vast majority of the room was busily whispering and making fun of the entire thing. I kept trying to be scared by the violence, especially how the monsters - Angels, again - make high-pitched, warbling female screams before exploding in a shower of blood. However, someone was eating a hot dog during one Angel death scene, and someone said "Ooh, that'll leave a stain" at the same Angel's explosion. There's a scene where Shinji Ikari is lifelessly walking through Tokyo-3 at night, with one shot of him sleeping in a box. People laughed at the 14 year old boy sleeping in a box. Did you all hate the TV series, or did someone online tell you that the whole series should be mocked mercilessly? Either way, I remember thinking halfway through the movie that I would've enjoyed it more if I were watching it alone in my room.

There have been, are, and always will be, creepy sexual things in Evangelion. I had the honour of sitting near a man whom purred "fan service" at anything close to that. Is Misato Katsuragi in a bathtub? Drinking beer in an undershirt? Go for it, sir. Go for it everyone, when we get to the scene where Shinji finds Rei Ayanami naked and tries to run out of the room, but falls on her, leading to an underage girl's breast shown on screen. The theatre filled with a low, distinctly male "ohhhhhhh" that made my soul throw up. These people may have consciously paid $10.99 to see a little girl's boob.

An anime presumably in the possession of two-thirds of the theatre.

Plus, the theatre was using a Blu-Ray copy, and all hints of blue and yellow were gone. Shinji Ikari's plugsuit was green. In case you didn't know, it's supposed to be blue, so maybe the potency of that fact is lost on most of you.

The movie is part one of four. That fact is everywhere. You cannot remake a 26 episode television series into ninety minutes; everybody knows that. Well, not the people who had come in off the street and thought "Oh hey, let's go to this anime movie, because I A) like to make fun of things, B) am into most modern anime and need to make a resume of things I have seen to impress the internet, or C) I like to eat hot dogs while watching bloody explosions and naked, screaming children." In the end, a naked Kaworu Nagisa steps out of a box and declares that he's going to see Shinji. Then the screen goes black with "To Be Continued."

Shit hit the fan in the theatre. As Utada Hikaru sung her joyous engrish, people begun howling and complaining and storming out of the theatre. Near me, one woman was screaming, "this was shit" over and over at her male companions. As I watched them leave, I knew the first place they would go would be to their computers. About seventeen people remained in the theatre, we obviously being the people who had seen the TV series. Because as we would know, there is always a preview for the next episode after the credits. There was a short trailer for the next movie, the only things interesting me being that we see the new character Mari, and Kaji was there.

And he is an awesome mutha.

Then we left. Walking out, I felt empty inside. The hallway was full of people complaining, such as one man saying that he was "waiting for [Shinji] to start that robot". Okay, sir. Imagine everything bad that has happened to you in your life. Have it all happen in one day, then try to pilot a giant monster that screams and makes other monsters shoot blood like a sprinkler. Also, be 14.


Nerv Girl and her friend had disappeared, and my ride had shown up, so I had nothing to do but leave. I'd like to mention here that if you every plan to watch something that's not a comedy in public, you should be aware that you'd enjoy it more if you were alone. I went to Up, and there was a dipshit toddler right behind me who asked dumb questions and threw up. I got another damn kid like that at Astro Boy, except he not only asked questions, but kicked my brother's seat, gibbered in our ears, and threw Skittles. The only lasting memory Evangelion 1.0 had given me was that I had sat in a room full of otaku, real ones. I had only once seen a real otaku in the anime shop, back when I was fourteen. He was buying the Tokyo Mew Mew manga.

Now, multiply that dude by fifty.

So, I have faith that with the second movie being more comical at times (given that right after seeing 1.0, I saw some of 2.0 illegally on the computer*) and some of the more important details of the series out of the way, these people won't be able to ruin Evangelion 2.0 the next time I go to the theatre. Unfortunately, there's one thing in the newer movie that I just know they'll go apeshit over...

You have ten seconds to make up your own joke about sticky theatre floors.
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world...
*Note: I think I might've seen 2.0's first ten to twenty minutes via a camrip. But, I honestly don't remember anything other than Kaji taking the kids to an aquarium, Rei drinking soup and smiling, and Asuka meeting Shinji and being mad about it. Don't watch the camrip. I know the rest of the movie is a theatrical orgasm when not seen on a screen on a camera on a screen. Better yet, when it's not all in red and green.

All written material here is 2007-2011 Fauna Crawford, along with any images identified as such. All other copyrights belong to their respective owners and creators. Permission is required to use any original material from this site.