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'Blues Brothers 2000' Is The Worst Movie Ever

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I'm sure that every one of us has, as of early 2009, experienced a horrible remake of their favorite movie or franchise. There's Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the Star Wars prequels, even Dragonball Evolution...but the biggest stab-in-the-face I've gotten is from Blues Brothers 2000.
 
Oh, and the Disney sequels. You're not supposed to do a "Return to Neverland" unless you have voice actors that are dead-on to the original voices.
 
Originally, the Blues Brothers were just characters used during the warm-up skits on Saturday Night Live, which was enough to have an album released. When that was successful, the movie debuted a few years later. In super-brief, here's how it goes...there are two brothers. When the shorter/older one named Jake (played by John Belushi) gets out of jail, his brother Elwood (played by Dan Aykroyd) takes him to visit the orpanage they used to go to. The Penguin (do not call nuns this) tells them that the orphanage is going to close unless they get $20,000. Jake and Elwood go out to find concert gigs and acquire the money, all the while randomly cameoing famous African-American singers, and driving through stuff.
 
If you don't at least smile from seeing this poster, then you are obviously an imperdinent devil of the sea.
 
This is possibly one of the greatest movies of the 80's. Even today's children have at least a faint grasp of who Jake and Elwood are. They're the Blues Brothers. They sing. They drive through malls. They're awesome.
 
So, let's go back to 1982. John Belushi has long been struggling with an addiction to cocaine, as was sadly common in the 70's-thru-80's. He's found in a hotel room, dead from a lethal combined injection of cocaine and heroin. I don't even know what to say...John was extremely talented. And then he was gone. It's not like we can go back in time to warn him, or send Cathy Smith back to jail (even Robin Williams said she was creepy) for furthering John into the drug chaos of the day. His career ended with several of the most well-known movies of all-time, including Animal House. Why did this man have to die?
 
Unfortunately, Dan Aykroyd got a little "creative" fifteen years later. It wasn't bad enough that he attempted a short-lived animated series, but he got at the helm of a second movie...this is Blues Brothers 2000. And it sucks.
 
There's an old Canadian anti-drug PSA from 1991 that shows a boy going into his room. He pulls out a packet of cocaine and looks at it nervously. As he's about to dump it out, a Black man in skateboarding clothes jumps out of the ceiling, throws the crack out the window and shouts, "MAN, WHAT'CHA DOIN'? STOP YOURSELF WHILE YOU CAN!" That's what everyone wanted to yell at Dan and John Landis. Come to think of it, I'd show that same PSA to John, too.
 
My father once said that the only decent plot for a Blues Brothers sequel would involve Elwood preparing Jake's funeral, because he died of a SUPER AWESOME CAR CRASH that may have involved a shark. Dad didn't come up with much then, but he added that maybe Elwood would find out that his mother is still alive and being a recluse somewhere, then he'd try to track her down for the funeral, all the while visiting old characters. But it's not the same if there's only one brother and a "Blues Mom". This would make a satisfactory (but not great) movie. If you get anything below this, then maybe you should stop working on it altogether. This is like the part in the SNL skit "Don't Look Back In Anger" when John (dressed as an old man) dances on Dan's grave...only, transpose either person and there you are.
 
Since John was...dead and all, you couldn't really bring Jake Blues back in without looking horrible. They could have had JIM Belushi, John's brother, play Jake, except Jim was doing voices on crappy cartoons and probably couldn't be found. And apparently they were going to bring Jim in as "Brother Zee Blues", but for some unknown reason, he wanted nothing to do with it. So, Jake was announced as being deceased in the movie, as well as Curtis (the guy who took care of Jake and Elwood when they were kids in the orphanage, remember?). Now, when so many actors from the original movie are dead, you're supposed to stop planning the film, rather than kill off the character. It only gives everyone a stinging reminder that John and Cab Calloway are dead in real life.
 
Instead of really dwelling on Jake and Curtis's deaths, Elwood goes off to find Curtis's illegimate son (whom has become a sherriff) and try to invite him into the band. Wait, what? To try and simplify this, let's say my father and brother died somehow. Then, I would have to decide whether to prepare their funerals, or to go find my Dad's astrayed cousin and invite her to work on this website with me. Which is more logical? However, the first option isn't movie material. If the movie went like this, it would be two minutes long. Elwood wake up in a little bedroom in the back of a bar. He would make some toast, get a phone call that Jake and Curtis were dead, make a surprised face, then it would cut to black and the credits would roll.
 
Elwood is denied by Curtis's son Cab, so he leaves to go work at a stripclub as the announcer. He finds out the bartender Mack, played by another John by the name of Goodman, is good at singing and makes him a Blues Brother. Mack has been bothering the Russian mafia, who then burns down the club. Elwood decides to restart the band, then adopts a boy named Buster and brings HIM into the band. They drive around to places from the old movie to show how much theyve changed, bug the mafia, bug some white supremecists, and be chased down by Cab and the police. Then they go to Louisiana and have a Battle of the Bands, while being electrocuted by a voodoo queen. End movie.
 
The problem with this is how Elwood is now the star, when previously, Jake and Elwood were equally stars. Jake did 75% the talking, because Elwood was supposed to be a quiet character, but now Elwood has Jake's personality. Plus, the plot is mediocre and on the level of every cheap children's cartoon, and new "brothers" weren't needed. DAMMIT, AYKROYD! WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WOULD ACCOMPLISH? This is worse an idea than "Speed Racer: The Next Generation"! I'm sixteen years-old with the mind of a nine year-old, and even I think this is terrible!
 
Worse yet, this sequel beat the original movie's world record for "Biggest Movie Vehicle Pile-Up". This movie made less than 1/10th of the original movie's income, was done with an outlandish plot and numerous people dead or unavailable, and it destroyed what made the Blues Brothers famous. Remember this?
 
It was ALL THEY EVER HAD and you SHAT ON IT.
 
I really don't want to be angry at Dan, given that he was also in Ghostbusters, which inhabits a huge, warm spot of my childhood. But really, what I've said before is...what good could have possibly been achieved through a sequel more than 16 years after your co-star and buddy died? To be honest, Blues Brothers 2000 plays out like a fan fiction. A BLOODY FAN FICTION. Speaking of which, look what you inspired. To be blunt, everything by "3LW00D" is horrifying, which shows you kids should never look up fanfiction for live-action productions, unless you enjoy the taste of your bile.
 
My verdict...this movie was completely unnecessary, and it's hard to think of what kind of motive there could have been behind its creation. It's not as bad as other things I've seen, but it still takes one of my childhood favorite movies, puts it in a neckhold and punches it in the face repeatedly.
 
 
Bonus Note: I don't know if I've mentioned this before on the side, but I'm one of those people whose mind takes whatever I've been thinking about heavily in the past 24 hours, and re-engineers into a vivid-yet-symbolic dream. On the evening of June 8th, the night before I finished this article, I had a dream where Elwood and Jake were running through downtown Boston at night. The streets were devoid of cars and wet like there had been rain, The brothers were carrying burlap sacks, and Jake was in an off-white suit (rather than black) with another bag on his head. Suddenly, they were climbing into the window of my brother and sister's room, then tried to shove my cat into one of the bags. My family, an annoying kid from next door and I came in. While I tried to get my cat, everybody else went for Jake and pinned him down. When they pulled the bag off his head, there was nothing...in fact, his entire suit was full of air.
 
Everybody else (my family and the neighbor kid) sat around Jake's half-existant body and argued, yelling the same phrases at each other in perfect unison. I go to the other end of the room, which has now gotten bigger, and sit down on a new parlor-couch as my cat runs out of the room. Elwood sits next to me...I can't remember much of what he told me, because my family was too loud. Most of it was him trying to calm me down about John Belushi's death. And did I mention it was 1987? I find that weird because I wasn't even a fetus then. In this dream, I looked like one of the Babysitter's Club girls...you know, the redhead.
 
Uncontrollably, with some other girl's voice, I ask "Was John originally going to be in Ghostbusters?" And then I started stuttering and apologizing because I just called him "John" and it seemed too personal. Elwood kind of got nervous and explained that the premise of Ghostbusters, when originally presented to the studios, it all seemed to be too bizarre to really get involved in. Then he hinted that he really wouldn't have joined the cast if John wasn't going to be a part of it as well. However, I do NOT recommend putting this on Wikipedia.

While BB2000 is still bad in an unnecessary-sequel sort of way, one Japanese show could easily be the worst Blues Brothers related thing ever. Despite being fast-paced and often very funny, it can quickly turn to some of the most horrifying imagery this side of U-Jin. This...is Nerima Daikon Brothers.
 
If Dan Aykroyd ever reads this, I suggest he contact Funimation or Aniplex.
 
In short, Hideaki and Ichiro are two daikon farmers (imagine a thick, white carrot) who decide to raise money for their own concert hall, not an orphanage. They then ascend into various opportunities and schemes to get money, along with their pink-haired cousin Mako. Hideaki, the one that is based on Jake, wants to get into Mako's pants. And Ichiro, based on Elwood, is...wait for it...in love with a panda.
While it can be great fun to watch, the show can suddenly and unexpectedly A) use a Daikon as a penis metaphor, B) use a villain that either looks creepy or does creepy things, or C) just freak you out that Elwood is a furry and Jake is into incest.
 
So, if you watch that, feel free to come back here and cry. Come back if you watch BB2000, too. We will cry and listen to Briefcase Full of Blues.
 
 
...Yeah, I should have ended this article two paragraphs ago. I'll leave you with the Blues Brothers 2000 trailer, and let you form your own opinion...
 

All written material here is 2007-2011 Fauna Crawford, along with any images identified as such. All other copyrights belong to their respective owners and creators. Permission is required to use any original material from this site.