I've noticed in recent years that a lot of Canadian-made cartoons - here, called "Flash cartoons", being that they are
made with that program - have flooded onto American televisions simply because of the vast quantity of these cartoons, and
how cheap it probably is to license something that was made in Vancouver.
I, on behalf of everyone here, would like to conduct a formal apology. I'd also like to point out that many, many cartoons
made here don't see the light of American days, and it's probably a good thing. The only Canadian-made cartoons that I've
ever considered okay were The Kids From Room 402, The Triplets,Stickin' Around and Ed, Edd N' Eddy. (That's right, Danny Antonucci was Canadian, and same with all the crew. Now you have to be nice to us.)
Teletoon saw a lot of these programs, which were heralded for being "independant" and "creative". Most of these were
joint Quebec-Belgium operations that were dubbed by Cinar, but either way, I usually didn't like them. Let's say I'm nine
years old again...you have the choices of hooking me either with some really cool characters, a lot of wild humour and
imagery, or a plot that is relevant to my young interests (i.e. robots, mobsters, the collecting of a lot of small creatures).
These cartoons usually failed at such, and being that I used to go to a god-awful daycare long until I was nine that let us
only watch Teletoon, I saw them all. We watched YTV once to get at Sailor Moon, but then Lorna yelled at us. My brother
and I are thinking of a class-action lawsuit, but anyway...
8. The Tofus
Pumped out of the Quebecian CinéGroupe, this is a program that details the lives of a hippie family. The
animation was good, the character designs were pretty good, but at the core, it's designed to make fun of the environmental
movement. I only really remember how boring I thought it was, and how the father looked like an aged Spike Spiegel and
the mother was pretty hot.
I'm sorry, but how did this get on Jetix?!
The family would be pretty awesome, if not for the addition of Lola, their fourteen-year-old daughter who
was in Meg Griffin Overdrive all the time. She constantly complained about her family's lack of normality, and then lusted
after the neighbor boy Billy, whose earring tells a different story. She was basically Candace from Phineas and Ferb,
but with no redeeming qualities or interesting personality. Her younger brother was cool, however, since his name was Chichi
and he made his own gadgets. But no, the plot centred on Lola's constant PMS almost all the time, thus keeping any other character
from gaining development time.
Worse yet, the intro song sounds eerily similar to the intro of Nerima Daikon Brothers, so it's like seeing that greasy kid in the corner of your math class try to dress and act like the coolest kid in
the room. Go away, Lola.
The series had only 16 episodes, which were re-run often. The episodes were composed of three brief segments
taking from when Michael and Elizabeth were kids, teenagers and adults. Now, that's what bothered me in my youth...I used
to love the comic strip, but it got really, really old by the mid-nineties...the fun left the comic the day Farley died. It's
probably just because I was seven at the time and unable to relate to the segments when they were adults, but I remember
Also, as evident in the above intro, between the segments were some of the original comics. The ones used
were the ones that relied on visual humour, since the text was removed and there were instruments to make the mood of the
panel. This is also known as the London Symphony version of a laugh track.
6. The Adventures of Paddington Bear
This probably shouldn't count because it's based on a British book series, but Cinar made this 1997 TV series.
You can sometimes find it on SCN, but it's 98% feces and relies on trite cartoon cliches. There was an episode where Paddington
traded places with a George Harrison-soundalike rockstar who was momentarily tired of crowds. As an example to my younger
readers of how long this has been around, it even happened in Bloom County, with Opus and Michael Jackson. (However,
the result was much better than it was here.) Also, Paddington was little more than a four-year-old with an old man's voice,
and could not be counted on to perform the simplest of household tasks.
OH GOD, GET THOSE AWAY FROM HIM
Paddington moved out of "Darkest Peru" at his aunt's suggestion and lived with the Brown family,
whom picked him up at an airport because that was possible in the 50's/90's. Also, quite frequently, Paddington's stupid would
cloud around the neighbor Mr. Curry, whom was pretty damn close to being a British Squidward. If Paddington's fumblings around
Mr. Curry didn't come close to the legal definition of murder, it wasn't an episode.
In short, Cinar created a series that follows the chronicles of Winnie the Pooh's Autistic cousin. You know
what? Just go through Cinar's complete title library, and you'll see that they've created some of the worst cartoons of all time. The only reason they're called The Cookie Jar
Group nowadays is because of a dispute with the Canadian government...they got money grants for being a supposedly all-Canadian
organisation, but then went around and secretly hired American writers and animators. That'll do, douchebags.
5. The Smoggies
Alternately "Stop the Smoggies", this was an environmental eighties cartoon with creatures that were The
Snorks but not really. It focused on the battle between little trolls named the Sun Tots and three idiots on a giant
polluting ship named The Smoggies. Also, the ship was named "The Stinky-Pooh", which is stupid. This is on my list for disturbing
me as a child. The premise was simply, to quote a Youtube user:
BigDumbJerk: "A middle aged man with an anorexic wife and a retarded 30something year old son. They live on a Ocean Liner and
battle the midget hippies for Global Warming."
Yeah, it was pretty much that. Anyways, the thin lady was trying to find some magic coral that would make
her young forever, which she planned to do by making her husband create massive inventions and having swill dumped in the
ocean. So, you know, she'd poison and kill the exact same coral she was looking for. Also, take a look at their ship's constantly-dumping
pipes...that and Hexxus make for a winning combination that freaks the hell out of a three-year-old.
4. The Babaloos
Cinar, what do you have against humanity? Has the rest of Canada not yet bent to the will of Quebec, so
that you may stop the torment? Why must we have yet another cartoon about talking objects, but with twice the lame? The
Babaloos (the second 'o' an 'u' in the French version) was about household items that came to life at night and had adventures
that no kid would care about. What frustrated me as a child was recognizing the exact same voice actor from another show,
playing in another show. Whoever played the washcloth obviously played Tubby on The Little Lulu Show, a cartoon I
liked much more than this as a child.
To be honest, all of the characters are creepy as hell, especially the bowl. The pencil and the toothbrush
were my first experience viewing a cartoon couple, but what if it warped some dude comewhere and he's rubbing household objects
together right now? Also, the spoon was a bitch.
3. Katie & Orbie
This used to be one of the star programs on Family (not the same American station). Imagine a cartoon about
a little Aryan girl and her friendship with a purple alien that looks like the "aardvarks" from The Raccoons. Now,
imagine that there are no voice actors, save for a girl who is heard in the intro and between-episode shorts. Also, make Leslie
Nielsen narrate the whole thing, and have stilled images fading onto each other instead of actual animation. I'm serious.
The butterfly at the end of the intro must be proud to be the only thing in the whole show that has flowing
animation. Now, while the intro theme evokes emotion and nostalgia in me, it also evokes the terrible realization that I actually
watched this consistantly as a child. Why did the parents not freak out about having an alien hang out all the time
with their six-year-old daughter? How come they hired Leslie Nielsen, of all people? I remember only watching it to speed
up the time between programs I actually liked, per se Duck Tales or Hoze Houndz.
Note: This picture will not load, no matter how many times I re-upload it to Imageshack,
which proves even the hoster hates Caillou.
Any Canadian who lived from 1997-2004 knows very well of this whiny little hellion. This is Cinar's
work yet again, based off of a French book series from the eighties, which follows the real-life adventures of a whiny child
with no hair. He comes out more as being a kindergarten-aged Charlie Brown with Asberger's, spending his episodes crying,
doing stupid things and mingling with the more-tolerable kids pictured above.
The entire series - as introduced earlier on - is supposedly being read by a lady to her two kids,
implying that the whole thing takes place in the imaginations of two kids in 1988. I picked the above episode because of how
your ear canals will explode within the first five seconds of playing that. That high-pitched warbling there is Caillou's
voice. Anyways, Caillou ended in the early 2000s, was briefly followed by a rehash program that had a puppet version of his
cat writing poetry, and then Teletoon realized that everybody over the age of four hates this show. It's been licensed by
PBS, however, and received a Flash-animated reboot.
1. The Secret World of Santa Claus
This one was made in France, but dubbed by Cinar, using the entire cast from Cinar's Spirou and
TheLittle Lulu Show dubs. It has been replayed every December on Teletoon, simply because Teletoon owns
the entire Canadian broadcasting rights and needs to use those somehow. There is no amount of words that will portray how
much hatred I feel towards this show.
The video is in German - the only version I could find - mainly because it's the only country it
was ever enjoyed in, proving how the Germans are sometimes strange. According to this program, Santa has only three elves,
three reindeer, has polar bears and penguins in the same place, and lives in a shack designed by Pee-Wee Herman. His only
enemy is Gruzzlebeard, a punk-ass version of Dr. Robotnik, complete with a vaguely Snively-esque elf named Dudley.
Santa and his three annoying elves (with the same voices as Fantasio, Spirou and Seccotine/Jessica) also
solve the problems of annoying kids all year round, like the one girl that was being bullied for supposedly having a big nose.
The elf that sounds like Fantasio gives her a magic wand because he's suddenly got a boner for her, and she accidentally
makes her nose huge. Also, there were a few upskirt shots of the female elf that creep me out in retrospect.
Pictured: The love I lost because of this show
When I was fourteen - this being 2007 - I was really getting into Bakugan. I had a huge
crush on Alice Gehabich, whom was also 14, and Teletoon's run of Bakugan was up to episode 24 or so. Suddenly, they knocked
Bakugan off of its Sunday schedule in favour of running The Secret World of Santa Claus. A week after Christmas,
Bakugan returned to its timeslot, but it had been restarted to episode one. I was going to wait until I got caught
up, but then suddenly, it was shuffled to a new time and I never saw the televised second half of the series. Now I'm 16,
Bakugan is in its mediocre second season, and to restart my Alice thing would technically lesbian pedophilia. This
is all because of The Secret World of Santa Claus.
No, I'm...kind of not being serious. But still, the flawed logic, the annoying english dub, the excessive
slapstick, the Bakugan incident...this is the worst show I've ever seen, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
It's kind of sad that two-thirds of my favorite childhood cartoons were American, but in theory, a lot of
Canadians have gone over the border to get animated (i.e., Ed, Edd N' Eddy, like I've mentioned). And then the rest
sell their souls to CineGroupe or Cinar/Cookie Jar, and the most it sees of televised light is repeats on Teletoon until everybody
hates it, or Jetix or 4Kids. What hope does this mean for my own works, then?
In short, there is a tome of terrible cartoons out there, coming from every single part of the
world. You guys have seen your own terrible eight no matter where you live, some of them maybe even including things I like.
This is the marvel of the internet.
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