MiST: Piasa Bird

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HEY, HEY, HEY! IT'S THE DISCLAIMER!
This MiST was only created for fun and fighting boredom. I was amazed to find a copy of the lost story, and it had enough strange material in it to make an actually funny MiST. This uses the cast of Bathtub Gin, a rather "advanced" (hur hur) comic that I draw amidst tons of other crap.
P.S.: If this is who I think it is, let me say that I've read BakaBreakers recently. Let me just say that femmebot ≠(not equaling) short skirts and sex.

MiST Cast:
CONCHIE/Charles: A scrawny college student
BAGNIO/Gianni: Conchie's friend and direct opposite
Franz TINTAMARE: Also known as That Damn Frenchie
SATYA Grahi: Conchie & Bagnio's friend, an East Indian transfer student
DEBORAH Roseate: A mature female doctor who Conchie fell hard for
BAG: Hi, guys. On account that this story was apparently too messed up for either the furries and the robot kids, we were dragged out to do the MiSTing. I don't know if that's good or not. We probably will say a few regretable things and end up making death rattles at a crazy fat man with a mullet. Enjoy!
Piasa
a modern-day retelling of a Native American legend
BAG: Also called a bastardization.
By David Gonterman
CON: Now proven.
as told by Zack, formerly of The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers
SAT: Which one of the Rangers was he again?
BAG: Why does it matter? They were all annoying sods.
Period 1 of The Orange Ranger Trilogy
Directions for Reading:
CON: Strike match and set ablaze.
     For best results, get Blood and Metal I with this file, and begin reading that file immediately after finishing this one.
SAT: It'll be as fun as ramming a skewer into your head!
This is BAM's prequel and flows seamlessly into themain story.
BAG: [Snorts]
    The story is placed in the Power Rangers Command Center. You will see it from the viewing globe as do the assembled [current] Power Rangers. The text comes from Zack's report of the incident....
SAT: Basically, a complete stenograph of a creepy man's fantasy.
BAG: Oh, do you know what a "lemon fiction" is?
CON: DON'T teach her, Gianni.
     A bronze statue of a young man holding a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun
CON: Oh, this is obviously Gonterman's "fan character" incarnation.
stands before what used to be the Piasa Bird monument at the Alton cliffs. The dude who that statue was made after stands before it, only he had a robotic left arm in place of the real one he lost in his modern-day battle with this creature from Native American legend.
BAG: Can anybody tell me what the hell just happened?
But the wacked part is that it wasn't the Piasa Bird that removed his real left arm, but the ethnic strife in the area that woke it up. I should know, I was around him when it happened.
SAT: [Babs Bunny] How conveeeenient.
     The Piasa Bird is a legend students in St. Louis history get to know early.
BAG: Lucky bastards. In MY school, the only things we got to learn early was s--
CON: HEY!
BAG: --science.
It was about a monster resembling a jaguar with wings and a tail long enough to do laps around the body. 400 years ago, this over-glorified canary showed up one day, and began snacking on the natives, until a brave warrior and six of his friends fought it off. The bird disappeared into the Alton cliffs and was never heard from again until a few weeks back,
SAT: When it got an internet connection and discovered email.
around the time that a racial riot that resembled the Rodney King incident broke out around here. What set it off was really predictable if you keep up to date in politics today, like my friend Jason does:
CON: Oh crap! Satya, you've got to leave RIGHT NOW!
SAT: [Gets up] Sure, but why?
CON: It gets pretty racist from here on. [She leaves] That was close...
BAG: Keeping the kid's mind clean, Conchie?
CON: We're not in that little girl's comics anymore...
BAG: Really? So her mother and brother aren't watching? GREAT! [Takes off pants, lights a cigarette and sits back] Free and easy...
CON: Put those back on!

     Two white cops had to use their night-sticks to stop a black gang-banger on PCP.
BAG: Isn't a "gang-banger" another term for "innitiation rape"?
CON: Can't be. Gonterman was homophobic on this part.

The cops were tried but they were found innocent. The black community started to protest in the streets. The media did their spin on the whole thing.
BAG: Oi, first it's about the friggin' Power Rangers, then some big-ass canary, NOW political turmoil! This sucks!
The Republican-controlled congress in Washington went on TV and warned people not to riot like the people in South Central did. One person got up and shouted something about a lack of compassion, or some other Politically Correct phrase. One thing led to another, and before anyone knew it, there was fighting in the streets, burning cars, and all-around rioting and looting in the heartland.
BAG: [With fake British accent] Mmm, would you like some incorrectness with your meandering fan fiction?
CON: I don't think riots start that fast.
BAG: You've obviously never been in Regina.
     The part I don't get is that, if the main argument was black-vs-white, why did other ethnic groups had to get involved?
CON: Because racism concerns EVERY race?
TIN: [Looking in] Oh good, a mockery! Might I join in?
BOTH: NO!
TIN: [Sitting down] Too late.

Like why did some PC Thought Police idiot group picket the world opening of Disney's newest flick, 'Pocahontas?' What were they to gain by saying that a harmless movie is bad history?
TIN: Because the explorers weren't shown pushing the people off the land, there technically was no John Smith and there never were a talking tree or a bunch of cheerful talking animals.
I mean, I have seen this film with my friends and none of us found anything wrong with it.
BAG: That's because a dolt is using you to TALK through, idiot.
Everybody was surprised to find a balanced image between Powahatan Tribe and the English Explorers, but that's getting out of the subject.
     This is where our cyborg friend comes in, only he's not a cyborg yet; that comes later.
CON: ...Then he's not our cyborg friend.
     Our hero's name's Davey Crockett, a college student, aspiring artist,
BAG: I think he'll be "aspiring" for a looooong time.
and chronic daydreamer. You'll won't know him, he's not the sociable type.
TIN: He prefers to stay inside and draw naked pictures of large-breasted fox women.
My--ahem--sources tell me that he got a case of mental illness several years after high school; I guess that if you get nagged by your parents day in and day out to get a job that just ain't there in the real world, you'll sink into depression too.
CON: It just won't END!
He's been doing okay now with counseling and Prosac up to the point where the PC mob at the theater caught him talking with me, Jason and Trini over the movie.
     Man, it was a miracle that Davey got all four of us in his car and
CON: [Shudders]
got away before they tried to scalp him, or whatever they had in their sick little minds for rednecks from the Metro East side of the Mississippi River. He didn't stop ‘til he got to his apartment in Granite City, where we decide to
CON: Uh...
TIN: Stop cutting it off so it seems like the strange man is having sex with minors!
hide themselves in for the night; have a party too while were here.
TIN: Mon dieu!
     Eventually, we all got close enough to tell each other our experience in trying to live in a Multicultural society.
MiSTress Note: I'd like to kick in that I find it bizarre how David can't accept that he's got to be nice to all races. Hell, it's a birth habit up here in Canada.
Although none of us will admit actually hating another group, there was a moment of two in each of our lives that race relations rubbed us the wrong way.
TIN: Wait, isn't the Ranger team composed of several different races? And now they are talking about disliking other races!
For example, Davey had an African-American history teacher with way too much attitude last fall,
BAG: Ahm talkin' DOWN-TOWN!
who got up in front of the whole class and called him a racist to his face, only because he was sick and tired of having the slavery issue rubbed in his face like a bad dog that wet the bed.
TIN: And they are rubbing the wet dogs in their faces? Why?
I said that she was full of B.S., and that he was definitely not racist in saying that. Angry, yes, but not oficcialy racist. Besides, my mother told me that it's just not right to
CON: Sympathize with a crazy man.
visit the sins of the fathers onto their children. However, the question over Davey's feelings toward Multicultuarism will crop up to haunt him later in this story.
BAG: Asshole.
     The next morning we went outside to hear people talking about how the earthquake was like.
CON: What earthquake?
We didn't feel any quaking except for a train speeding by Davey's backyard now and then.
TIN: He has train tracks in his backyard? No wonder he is called a redneck.
Little did we know that one of those faint rumblings didn't come from any train.
     "We didn't have the TV on then," I said. "We don't know about any quake!"
TIN: And neither do we!
     "Must be that New Madrid fault line," Davey added. "It was about time it acted up."
     "I'm afraid that it wasn't any fault," one neighbor interjected. "This quake came from some sort of explosion from the Alton Cliffs. Here's the news feed on TV, come look for yourselves."
BAG: Wow, pretty damn conveinient, since they're all talking about a supposed earthquake and a TV report comes on!
     The cliff looked like the Oklahoma bombers practiced on it.
CON: Oh, THAT'S not offensive.
A giant crevice appeared where the metal sculpture of the Piasa Bird once stood, spreading fifty feet wide at front and narrowing down some seventy-five feet before disappearing into black smoke beyond.
TIN: I am not sure if he is talking about the statue or what.
The blast--if it were a blast--had not only leveled the visitor's center, which was supposed to be directly under the absent cliff, but it also dug a trench that leads into the river, pouring water into a dark cave where the smoke came out of.
CON: Water? I don't remember him mentioning a river.
     Limestone was thrown all the way to the Missouri side of the river.
CON: Oh.
It completely covered what was left of the road between the river and the cliffs, making it unpassable. Only a brave band of news reporters arrived to investigate what they thought was an earthquake.
BAG: They were not only brave, but a bunch of self-endangering jackasses!
     "Great, just what Alton needs now," Davey quipped in the usual smart-alec manner when faceing things he has no control over. "Another natural disaster, as if the floods wrecking the cruise schedule of its gambling boats weren't bad enough--"
CON: Kind of sad when a story, rare as it is, is so confusing that we can't heckle it!
     Suddenly a terrifying scream came from inside the cave.
TIN: A fourth person is reading this?
It was so loud that it made windshields shatter and the ground to shake. A gust of wind as strong as a hurricane spewed smoke, sulfur, and pieces of rock the size of soccer balls out toward the camera knocking it around a few times before allowing it to settle on the ground, still facing the cave. It had a perfect view of what came out of that cave.
BAG: The...the screaming thing is getting a "perfect view" of itself? OH DAMN, I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!
CON: Don't worry! We're about halfway through!

     The first to appear was a billow of flame, streaming out toward the water as if it came from a flame thrower, next was the horns, white and twisted, each like a twisted gnarled tree in winter.
BAG: [Southern accent] Hoo-ee, Darla! That be a lonnnng sentence!
After that the fangs appeared, as large as elephant's tusks, but jutting upward from a severe underbite, one on each side of the flame throwing nostrils of its lion-like face.

TIN: Zut alors, let us skip this.
At each side, about five feet back, the wings sprang out of the mist. Each wing was thirty feet wide and webbed like a bat. They flapped with a force so strongly it uprooted trees as they passed by. They protruded from a white leopard's body. Fifteen feet long and standing seven feet tall, with claws as big as butcher knives.
CON: Deet-dee-deee...
     Finally, snaking out of the cave, appeared the beginning of the tail, python green and forked like a snake's tongue at the end. Eventually that tail will measure seventy-five feet by itself, and it was still coming out of the cave before the beast came into full view of the helicopter camera, but it was no doubt in anyone's minds just what this monster that came from the bowels of hell itself was.
BAG: Hi-ho, nobody cares...
     "That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my whole life! Don't look at him. You'll turn to stone!"
     "Holy! What on earth is that thing?"
     "I know what it is," Davey said. "My God. It's the Piasa Bird."
TIN: Sensass! And with the suspense of an episode of Hello Kitty! [Stands up] Well, this has been amusing, but I must get back to guard.
BAG: Go riiight ahead. [Tintamare leaves] Hey, who's joining us now?
DEB: Charles? Is it all right if I come watch?
CON: [Flustered] G-gah-go right ahead, Ms. Roseate...
BAG: [Chuckles]

     The monster shrieked in rage upon
CON: Realizing it was in a crap fiction.
being noticed. It took off with those monstrous wings and went directly for the helicopter camera, its crew screaming in horror as it approached.
BAG: RUN, YOU BAST-- [sees Deborah] Oh, right.
DEB: Don't worry, you can swear. Just don't remove your pants or the like. [Bagnio and Conchie look at each other uneasily]

While the monster attacked the camera broke free,
DEB: What?
and everyone who watched got to see the Piasa Bird feast on the helicopter pilot before the camera splashes into the river and sinks into white snow.
BAG: WHEN DID IT START SNOWING?!
     None of us took long in deciding what to do. Between Davey's knowledge on what this Piasa Bird was about, and the rest of us wanting to keep St. Louis safe from this local version of Godzilla, we've decided to destroy this creature, or at least put it back to sleep for another 400 years. The only question on our minds is how that thing woke up.
DEB: I blame the local oil drilling companies.
Trini said that the inability for everybody to just get along got whoever counts as the Great Spirit pissed off and woke the creature. A neighbor who was heavy into New Age said that all the negative vibes that we all were giving off that woke it up from its slumber. Davey only said that it woke up from all the noise.
DEB: Well, it's either the social conflict, everybody being angry or plain city noise that made the monster angry.
Whatever. The point is that we have a jaguar with wings and a tail that can do three laps around the body
BAG: If I have to hear the tail described like that ONE MORE TIME...!
rashing St. Louis like a Japanese monster movie, and unless you count us, there was not a Power Ranger in sight.
CON: Great!
Oh, hell. No rest for the wicked, I guess.
     We did most of our homework while everything was going to heck on the news.
BAG: Dum-dee-dum, let's look up stuff instead of shooting the damn monster!
We got a printout of the Piasa Bird legend, and read it for clues.
>From the legend, we learned that 'Tweety' here is supposed to have a thick hide, almost like chain mail on medieval suits of armor, but it had a weak spot directly underneath the wings.
CON: Is that the stomach and the crotch?
DEB: Crotch?
CON: I, uh, no wait! Crotch? Crotches! HMM, what about them?!
DEB: No, in school I heard a story about a monster whose weak area was somewhere "in the lion", and you reminded me...
BAG: [Smacks Conchie] Idiot...

     "That's okay is you're throwing spears at it," Davey noted, "but today we've got weaponry that will cut through that like a hot knife through butter."
BAG: I'd like the proverbial knife to go through more than butter, David.
     "Yo, Genius," I said, "did we have to print this out to learn this?"
     "We'll have that advantage," Davey responded. "We just have to find the Power Blaster to feed it with."
     We couldn't find the Power Blaster.
CON: Congratulations! Let's go home.
We did find enough guns and rifles to arm a small malitia, with a small fortune on armor piercing bullets, hollow tips, Black Talons, and many other illegal ammo that'll kick some butt.
DEB: AND get yourself some decent jail time.
We also found a bulletproof vest for each of us. All this while dodging a riot that was still going on--you'd think that a bunch of inner city people will have enough sense to stop this "No Justice, No Peace" crap and duck inside their homes when a monster starts trashing their neighborhood!
CON: And people are still rioting without noticing the giant monster?!
BAG: Naw, it's David's crap to make the African-American rioters look like dirtbags.

Sheesh! This would be a whole lot easier is we were in the good-old rainbow-colored spandex.
BAG: [David] We're here! We're quee--
DEB: Knowing this writer, we shouldn't even joke about that.
One problem, hough: What color would Davey be?
     Now, this is when things really start going crazy. Davey Crockett is not one prone to risk life or limb. I don't think that he had something to prove to me, Trini or Jason, or this city, especially when his hometowm thinks he's a nerd.
CON: WELL THEN, he's trying to prove something.
Yet, he said that he had something to prove to himself when he volunteered to stand alone in full view on top of the tallest skyscraper in the city, while Jason, Trini, myself, and several other volunteers were waiting in the wings to blind side the Piasa Bird when it comes for him.
DEB: This...this is supposed to be about the Power Rangers?
BAG: Sadly, yes.
DEB: But, nobody's actually transformed! And the rest of this is about some "David", a fictional bird and underlying racism!
CON: This is a norm for David Gonterman.

He said that he wanted to be someone that other Angry White Men can look up to;
CON: A whiny, fat wifebeater who watches old tapes of "Jackass" when he's supposed to be at his daughter's graduation?
someone who is more then just a racist, sexist, homophobic, well, you know.
DEB: A "you-know"?
BAG: I think that's a synonym for "cracker".

     "I don't think that is the reason you're doing this," Trini said to him. "I think you have some Native American in you, Davey.
BAG: Wow. I don't even have a CLEAN joke for this.
If it isn't from your bloodline, you probably picked it up somehow."
     "Ah read many stories from them," Davey replied.
CON: He's also suddenly got a hillbilly accent.
"I know some of the Native American mythology. But I'm afraid I'm not as serious about it as you are, though."
DEB: [Sighs] And he doesn't take ancient races seriously, either...
     "I can't imagine why," she answered with a wink as she got into position. "They're serious about you. You'll see."
BAG: Now he's FLIRTING with a teenage girl! DAMMIT DAVID, IS NOTHING SACRED?!
     It was at the last light of sunset when the Piasa Bird streaked from the western horizon.
BAG: When did it start wearing clothes?
It strafed the treetops with the speed of a jet as it approached St. Louis.
DEB: Weren't they already IN St. Louis?
There was not a light in the skyline except for the spotlights poised at the top of the tallest building, which was where it saw his next victim.
CON: It's Fay Wray! Send the planes!
With a shriek of delight, it picked up speed and attitude to take his prey head on. If it could notice, it would find out that its target for the night had on a bullet proof vest and an eagle feather tied to his SIUE cap. It would also see that his target, named Davey Crockett--as if it cared--
BAG: He don't CARE what his name is. No matter the name, he's still the same batshit middle-ager.
was holding a sawed-off shotgun aimed directly at its head.
     "All right, pal," Davey shouted. "What's on your mind?"
CON: [Piasa Bird] Oh, I dunno. Everything was cool until people started going nuts and SHOOTING ME!
     Davey waited until both him and the Piasa Bird can see their reflections in each other's eyes before he pulled the trigger. It was nothing short of awe-inspiring. I thought, Zordon, put this guy in the Power Rangers now!!!
DEB: Power Rangers don't used guns and illegal mechanisms. That's that.
     The Piasa Bird did a back flip in midair before landing before Davey, and then, looking him square in the eyes, swallowed the buckshot he fed into its mouth.
     "Crud," Davey cursed. "Bad idea."
BAG: "Crud" doesn't count as a curse! Try fu-- [Deborah smacks a hand over his mouth]
DEB: I draw the line at that.
     The Piasa Bird pounced out for Davey,
BOYS: HOORAY!
but at the last moment, he sidestepped out of the way of the talons and opened fire at it some more,
BAG: CRAP!
setting it up for the rest of us to open fire at the sides. Some bullets bounced off the hide, some manage to intrude themselves between the scales, but others found the weak spot; the area under the wings that was unprotected.
     With an agonizing scream that shattered the glass windows of that skyscraper,
CON: Setting the damages cost up to the million mark,
the Piasa Bird did another loop and plunged into the dark streets below.
CON: And a couple hundred cars, buildings, people and various objects...that takes your cost even higher.
Davey watched the monster fall as long as he dared before vertigo overtook him. After a few tense seconds he turned to us and triumphantly cried out, "We did it!"
     Without warning, and I would say on a cue, the Piasa Bird appeared out of the darkness below, snatched Davey up by the talons, and carried him off the scyscraper!
BOYS: HOORAY!
Fortunately, the vest kept him from being impaled by the sharp talons.
BAG: SHIT!
Even so, he was hanging from the Piasa Bird by its talons, nearly blacking out from the loops, twists, and spins it performed.
CON: It's a free carnival ride, you cretin. At least stay consious, you unappreciative...
He ran out of ammo in his shotgun, so he had to throw it away and reach for a handgun that he had in his belt.
BAG: Now he's wasting perfectly good weapons...
Davey aimed carefully for the chin of his captor, and what seened like an eternity trying to aim, he fired one Black Talon right up the Piasa Bird's chin.
     The Piasa Bird's head exploded in a burst of blood, brain, and bone.
DEB: Oh LORD!
CON: OVERSHARE!

(Dang, No wonder Black Talons are illegal!!!) It fell like a rock immediately, with Davey along for the express ride to the streets below.
     I couldn't look to see the landing. I was too busy taking the elevator--it was safer than Davey's method of reaching Ground Floor--to find whatever was left of the Piasa Bird . . . and Davey.
CON: I...I understood the big about the kid in the elevator, and that's all.
     We were almost at the place where they landed when we could hear Davey say, "Aw, Crud, it's you." Then we heard a gunshot.
BOYS: HOORAY!
This is where that incident with that Black History Teacher comes into play, because It was she that shot off his left arm, with the same gun used on the Piasa Bird. Yes, with the same type of bullett too.
CON: What? WHAT?
DEB: Why would his annoyed school teacher, who hasn't seen him in nearly ten years, spontaneously come out and shoot him?

     I was immediately pissed off at that woman for what she did. Davey Crockett saved his city and this is how they thank him?
BAG: Hey, if I see Gonterman in my town, shooting becomes a defensive reflex.
I tackled that witch to the ground and asked her why. She said something about getting back at his ancestors for what they did to her ancestors.
BAG: Wha' fu'?

I would've killed her if Jason hadn't pried me off.
     I was still angry over Davey's condition though. I would rather see him dead than having him wake up with a good excuse to join the Klan.
CON: What's the Kla-- Ohhhh. Oh God.
BAG: I've got to meet David one day.
DEB: What do you plan to do?
BAG: Well, first I'll knee him in the crotch, then...

I mean, he had a future with that left arm. He was going to college to get an art degree.
ALL: [Laughing]
He was going to make something for himself, something nobody expected him to do.
CON: And nobody ever will.
I went everywhere defending his case; It just wasn't fair.
     Fortunately, I got heard. Somehow--I believe it was Zordon--made a state-of-the-art cyborg left arm for Davey.
CON: Hey, wasn't it King Acorn who gave him the arm?
BAG: Naw, he got Roboticized, remember?
DEB: You two have read more of these?
CON: Painfully, yes.

This one was special; it had a compartment in the lower arm with more gadgets than a Swiss Army Knife. He must've made it so that he woke up from the operation with that arm attached to him. He heard the mayor of St. Louis right above. "We did wrong to you, son," he said. "I won't blame you for hating us black's for the rest of your life."
DEB: Holy...
I held my breath for the worst.
     Davey just smiled at him had gave him the thumbs up sign.
BAG: Then I grinned at him and gave him the finger.
I couldn't believe it. I just broke down crying. This guy's
CON: Crazy.
a regular prince. He said that it was okay, the city was safe, the riot was stopped, and the woman that shot off his arm's facing justice. That's all he wanted. Davey Crockett's a regular hero.
BAG: Yes, nice. Somebody wake him up now.
He didn't need no stinking spandex, know any martial arts, or even have a Zord. Although now with that cyborg arm, he's his own mech now.
BAG: Now, I'd like to be a nice little weirdo and point out how your average gun cannot take off an entire human arm in one shot. That is all.
Forget the Power Rangers, We've got Davey Crocket--King of the Cyber frointier!
CON: I feel ill.
     They made that bronze statue of him in honor of that night,
BAG: Which is pretty damn fast to make a statue out of BRONZE.
and placed it in front of the demolished Piasa Bird exhibit. They plan on reconstructing the place and put in another museum to hold the now two legends of the Piasa Bird. But for now, people just drop by the statue and admire what Davey did.
CON: And, quite a few of them throw rocks at or urinate on the said statue.
Even Davey himself stands in front of that statue and thinks over what he did.
CON: [David] WOW, that was stupid!
He would have stood there forever if I havent yanked at him to "Let's go."
BAG: Yanked where?
     Where, you ask? Onwards.
BAG: Well, we know that whatever he yanked on, it was in an outward motion.
DEB: David never ceases to shock me.

Place to go, people to see,
BAG: [Zack, pulling on something] EVERYBODY! WATCH THIS!
and adventures to have, although none as dangerous as that Piasa Bird. Davey plans to return to college to complete his degree, then move to Angel Grove to persue a career.
DEB: ...Angel Grove is in the Sonic the Hedgehog world.
I wish him well. And Zordon, If you're reading this, I would like to thank you for what you did to Davey. May the power potect him. May the power protect us all.
BAG: Screw you, Zack.
*********
*Bridge:*
*********
Place: Power Rangers Command Center
Cast: All six current Power Rangers (Adam, Aiesha, Billy, Kimberly, Rocky, and Tommy), Alpha 5, and Zordon.
Time: Immediately after Zack finished his Piasa report.
CON: About eight seconds before he was beaten to death.
Zordon: I wish I could take the credit for Davey's recovery, Zack, but I cannot.
DEB: [Zordon] ecause people would come after me at night.
Rocky: You mean you didn't give him his metal arm?
Zordon nods no.
Alpha: AiYiYiYi! Something's wrong with Mr. Crockett!!
Rocky: That must be his robot arm, Alpha.
BAG: Looks like it's been programed to Yank, too!
Alpha: It's not that at all! Check out these readings!!
Billy: Let me see those. . . . Davey Crockett. . . . Age: Physically, 26. Chronologically. . . I don't believe it. . . 102.
All: 102!?!
BAG: Great, David's been around since 1893. And it turns out he was only two years older than us when he wrote this! SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!
Billy: How can he be 76 years older than he
An alarm sounds.
CON: [Dalek] DAVID HAS ENTERED! EX-TER-MIN-AYTE!
Alpha: And that's not all. I've just detected a disturbance in the time-space continuum. I'm not sure, but I think it's connected to Davey somehow.
Billy taps on a keyboard: Affirmative. The subspace disturbance occurred last night, in the exact spot where Davey laid in a coma.
Zordon: I think I know what happened to him: While Davey Crockett's body was comatose in this dimension, his mind must be displaced in another dimension. There, he must have lived an entire life, in the span of eight real-time hours. I have detected chronal abnormalities like this one before.
DEB: Right...
Kimberly: Um, can you tap into that dimension Davey was in that night?
BAG: [Zordon] Unless you want to see the track of three drunken nights in Vegas with a hooker in a fox suit... then no.
Zordon: I can, and I will also monitor his progress there.
Kimberly: Thanks Zordon.
Tommy: What's wrong, Aiesha? You've been quiet all this time.
Aiesha: Oh, nothing, Tommy. . . It's just. . . Oh, I just feel bad for Dave here. He just lost his arm because of what his ancestors did. . . It's just not right.
DEB: ...Says the Asian girl. Why is she suddenly sticking up for him?!
Zordon: I understand your sorrow over the political ramifications over his assault, Aiesha, and I am sure that Davey will agree.
CON: [Groans] They coo over his homophobia in the Sailor Moon stories, they applaud his racism, pedophilia and crazy robot beatings in the Sonic stories...
This I know, because at the end of his 'life' in that dimension he was lost in, I helped him return to this one.
All: You?
BAG: [Rocky] You BASTARD!
Zordon: Yes, at that time, the racial conflict caused by that event plunged your country into a second civil war, destroying everyone, even all of you. Davey can stop that from occurring in this world by returning to the present and stop the escalation of racial tensions from occurring. This he done, exceptionally well.
BAG: The fu...?
Aiesha: Cool.
BAG: Shut up.
Adam: So, you think he's Power Ranger potential?
ALL: NO!
Kimberly: Oh, get out! A seventh Power Ranger?
Rocky: Oh, you think Zordon was handing out raffle tickets. . .
Adam: Someone's needs to be the Green Ranger now that Tommy's vacated it.
DEB: I don't remember anymore, but wasn't Tommy African-American?
CON: Well, Gonterman's racist, and with David joining them...no wonder Tommy left.

Kimberly: Adam, he uses a shotgun against a giant monster. Do you see any of us use a shotgun against a giant monster?
CON: [Adam] Well, remember that time when we got really drunk, and...
Tommy: Besides, he looks like the type who would use that shotgun against the putties!
Zordon: True, but you don't know who gave him that shotgun, of to be more accurate, the Power Rifle.
CON: No such thing.
Kimberly: You? No. Him? A Power Ranger?
Zordon: Yes and no, Kimberly. I gave him the Power Rifle, true; He needed it to defeat the Piasa Bird, and it proved useful in his adventures in that other dimension. He also has in his possession a Power Coin that enabled him to contact me. But Davey Crockett will not be an official Power Ranger, per se. His role in the battle against evil will be a different one that the one you all have chosen, but it is equally as important. He is destined to be a key player in several important events in the future, and will require some power of his own in order to win those events to the side of good.
DEB: ...What just happened?
Tommy: So, what's his Power Coin?
CON: A nickel.
And power, I mean?
BAG: Going Batshit Mode.
Zordon: Mr. Crockett is known for his cunning and quick wit. I have chosen for him the power of the fox. With his power coin, he can operate a small sized morphing grid, which was the prototype of the one you Power Rangers use. He can morph into a fox form, and calI on a hovercycle and a jetpack. His robotic arm has continuous access to the Internet, where the majority of his powers reside.
CON:...Yeah.
Kimberly: One more request, Zordon. Can you show us where he got his cyborg arm?
CON: I'll put $3 on "dumpster behind the car scrapping machine".
Zordon: I'm glad you asked, because that event is just about to begin in the dimension Davey was in. Observe the viewing globe.
Kimberly: Whoa, a talking squirrel. This is too much.
BAG: [Bullwinkle] Hey, Rocky!
Adam: Hey, I think I know what Davey's in. I seen it in a cartoon once.
Rocky: What's is that called? . . .
CON: [Rocky] Oh, right! Shameless Insertion!
____________________
DEB: Hmm, the ending notes. I have to check on the children's ward, and maybe get a word with this Gonterman...
CON: Don't do it! In revenge, he'll kill us off in a story and draw you with unrealistically large breasts!
BAG: Which could be alright anywhere BUT in these stories. [Deborah leaves and Satya comes back]
SAT: Hi, guys! What did I miss?
CON: Everything you had to.

   Okay, like I said, go immediately into Blood and Metal,
BAG: Hmm, sure! Right after I painfully hammer myself in the face and get hopped on drugs, I will!
and continue the storyline from there. Okay, I'll allow you to catch your breath and get a snack in between the segments, because I'm such a nice guy ;-).
SAT: Really? Then why did I have to leave the room?
CON: Why did you get all those allegations of racism and sexism?
BAG: Why do all your comics look like a retarded chimp made them?

I'll play a comercial while I'll wait.
SAT: [Announcer] Are you tired of reading bad fan fiction?
BOYS: YEAH!
SAT: [Announcer] Then pick up a big bottle of Advil! And repeatedly hit Gonterman with it!

     Piasa is the first story in what I'll call "The Orange Ranger Trilogy." It'll sandwitch BAM together, yet by itself, is a riveting polital thriller centering around Davey Crockett.
BAG: Let's see...about four dawdling stories, David Gonterman, racism, Sonic the Hedgehog and Power Rangers. What kind of sandwich is this?
SAT: Cat Litter and Disgruntled Dairy Queen Employee's Saliva.
     Period 2 occures 75 years in the future, yet Davey hasn't aged a second, as he struggles to find a way back to the present in an universe that could only be entitled, "The Age of Zed." You have only one guess who took over.
CON: DAVIIIID!
You know what happened to 8 of the other 9 Power Rangers. You don't want to know what happened to the ninth--"Dragon Boy," the Green Ranger; the Other Tommy.
SAT: He's right! We DON'T!
     Period 3 costars everybody from Saban--all 10 Power Rangers (if you count Davey), the V.R. Troopers, and the new Masked Rider,
CON: He's dragging "Kamen Rider" in now?
as they battle an political evil that treatens to destroy all of them until they snip it in the bud.
SAT: The Rangers have nothing to do with raci-- snip the bud?
BAG: Knowing Gontreman's self-censorship, it's probably a synonym for "kick the testicle".

It's exciting action mixed with a political message of harmony among the races.
BAG: Up yours too, Davey.
Racism. It's everybody's problem, now. Even to White Males.
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers--The Orange Ranger Trilogy.
On-Line to you by the FoxFire Studios.
CON: [Makes gun-click noise]
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers and all chara's related (c) Saban Entertainment, Inc. The Orange Ranger Trilogy, Davey Crockett, and storyline (c) 1995 David Gonterman.
SAT: And let them stay with him, and ONLY him.
_______Also Available from FoxFire....Of course....
SAT: It just won't END!
    Are you so pissed off over ABC cancelling the Saturday Morning "Sonic the Hedgehog" cartoon that you would just love to find the dork responsible and roboticize him yourself?
CON: NO.
SAT: Actually, Sonic got taken off air so ABC could run "Power Rangers" instead! David is supporting Sonic's replacement!
BAG: [Starts laughing cruelly]

Go ahead. Do so. Noone from Knothole will mind.  I'll take care of the series that left you hanging from my link to American On-Line.......
CON: I hope this guy knows there's no Knothole, Mobius OR roboticizing machine.
BAG: Conchie, this is a 38 year old man who writes a comic about a fur suit that could... [Whispers something to Conchie]
CON: YUCK!

Sonic the Hedgehog: Blood and Metal
     Through the mysteries of The Void, King Acorn found himself on the Planet Earth. In case you've been Off-Line this past month,
BAG: Oh, believe me. We weren't using the internet in 1995. NOBODY was.
SAT: She was only two then, right?

he's the talking squirrel in the last scene. He sends the cyborg Davey C. back through that Void into Mobius to deliver a message to Princess Sally,
CON: [King] Dear Sally...RUN.
assist the Freedom Fighters, and trash every bot that gets in his way, MA-17 style.
SAT: But it's Sonic! He was always G rated! What's going on?!
Wanna hear a Swatbot scream? Wanna see Mortal Kombat Fatalities performed on robots?
SAT: No.
Wanna read about someone puking his guts out on the Internet?
CON: NO.
If you don't then you need not apply.
BAG: THIS! THIS GUY is the reason that THREE children, two being robots, can't read a SONIC THE FRIGGIN' HEDGEHOG STORY!
Just send a subtle hint to Michael Eisner, Current Disney President and now owner of ABC to make more Sonic 'toons and stay out of AOL.
CON: Uh...can do?
Blood and Metal can also be found in the WWW: http://rat.org Look for the On-Line HTML Deluxe Version coming soon.
CON: That site doesn't exist any more.
BAG: Crap, all those valuable Gonter-Pictures!
CON: Valuable?
BAG: 90's Gonter-Work is extremely rare, you know. Gonter-Pictures suck, there are unlimited numbers of it, and people can't get enough of it. Kinda like new Pokemon.

E-mail any comments--flames, threats of lawsuits, and accusations of racism will be ignored, I'll let your tiny minds deal with such unworthy crap--to my address.
BAG: [Rubs hands together] Mmm! Where is this address?
CON: No, Bagnio! Don't sink to his level!
SAT: All right, guys. Let's just turn off the screen and get out of this theatre. It's getting really cramped.
BAG: [Holding the keyboard] But can't I just--
OTHERS: NO!
Fin

Darkwing Duck is property of Buena Vista Entertainment/Disney, 1991-2010. Site design and written material by "Fauna" Crawford, 2005-2010. No Disney characters or images are being claimed by the webmaster, just being loved.