Characters we used, and who owns them...
Xavier Marse: The main villain of Skipper the Robot Kid who kept trying
to destroy Robby Phillips and his family. Is here because he supplies cruel commentary and swearing.
Doomsday: Xavier's "son" the assassin robot. Is here because he talks
in ALL CAPS and
Honey the Cat: A lost character from Sonic the Fighters; see here. Is here for feminine touch and because so few know about her being cut from the Sonic series.
Tick & Tuck: Two comic relief characters from many manga by Osamu
Tezuka. Their relationship has been questioned several times, due to the fact that they're almost always together
and when scared, are hugging each other. Are here to point out the strange and make jokes.
Bunny2000: Skipper the Robot Kid's sidekick, Raido Knight's advisor,
the leader of the I.N.K.O...no matter her role, she's a cheerfully tomboyish floating toy bunny. Is here to lead the
MiST and represent the actual MiSTress.
BUN: Afternoon, readers! Today is a very special MiST, as we've got guest stars!
DOOM: NOT REALLY, BUNNY.
You shut up! Anyway, we've got Doomsday amd Xavier from "Skipper the Robot Kid", Honey the Cat, the cut character from "Sonic
the Fighters", and Tick & Tuck from some manga by Osamu Tezuka.
HONEY: It's like a big melee of characters! Melee?
Fight? I COULDA BEEN IN FIGHTERRRS!
XAVE: Is this going to keep happening?
BUN: Only whenever someone mentions fighting.
Let's start the mocking!
STORM THE CASTLESTORM THE CASTLETUCK: A title so nice he printed it twice.
'Nice'? Are you shitting me?
A Firestorm FanFic
By David GontermanTICK: That answers some questions.
Disney by The Walt Disney Company
Story by David Gonterman [firstname.lastname@example.org]http://users.aol.com/dgontermanHONEY: And be sure to stop by and revile at his work!
BUN: Naw, the site closed down long ago.
Ain't it always the case, Roy?TUCK: TIIIIICK! IT'S TALKIN' TO US!
TICK: Idiot, you're not Roy!
TUCK: Didn't I play someone named that? I forgot all my past roles by now,
You turn your back for
five minutes and the whole phracking Kingdom just goes to pot!"DOOM: POT MAY BE THE CAUSE OF ALL THESE STORIES.
That's my boy!
Roy Disney spoke unenthusiastically to new Animation Intern David Gonterman.XAVE: [Laughing]
HONEY: Talk about delusional!
"Living proof that I'm the new heart and soul of The Walt
Disney Company."TICK: Who, the fired guy or the wacknob fanboy?
"Dang straight. So why all the cops
on Main Street USA?"DOOM: BECAUSE GONTERMAN GOT PAST SECURITY.
"Some jerk just kidnaped Mickey Mouse."TICK:
TUCK: YA RLY.
"Afraid so, David. We've got him pinned up on Cinderella's Castle but he's
threatening to throw Mickey out the window.HONEY: How does anybody get THIS out of Disney cartoons?!
that height . . ."BUN: Form what?
XAVE: Well, from what I learned in my psychology classes, he's comparing
to the tower in an innuendo to an erection...
DOOM: FATHER, YOU ARE SICK.
XAVE: ...Or, it's a typo.
for the tallest spire through binoculars. He found a very desperate manTUCK: Ya mean like Tick?
hand hand over Tuck's mouth] HEY!
with a gun at one hand and holding Mickey by the scuff of his neck with the
other. Neither he or David can hear the desperado's shouting over the crowd.BUN: This is messed up.
TUCK: This is Sparta!
"Who *is* this guy?"
"Don't know son--" "*I* do!!"TICK:
B-but, he just said he didn't!
XAVE: Don't worry, this is just an example of Gonterman's shitty writing in the 90's. Reading
his story free of MiSTing will actually make you crazier than me.
XAVE: Go on, stare.
Disney's lawyers approached and informed Roy that the abductor's wanted for copyright infringement. David gave him a cross
face as we went away.HONEY: "We"?! And how would somebody be wanted for copyright infringement and want to kill
BUN: The REAL Gonterman is up there!
DOOM: OR IT'S WHAT'S-HIS-NAME FROM "AMERICAN TAIL".
thought a tightly hissed obscenity was needed.
"I hate these pricks."XAVE: I can teach you worse.
Infringement, the barracuda said? That guy up there could have been *anyone.* Even me."TICK: Mystery solved! Let's
TUCK: Sit down!
"Oh really, that reminds me." Roy suddenly turned toward David, who let out a gulp.
Roy's gesture made David's mouth go dry, as it often does when David senses that he's in trouble.HONEY: Wow, thank
you for that totally important piece of information, David. Now we know that your entire mouth drains in seconds when you're
But Roy Disney only smiled and shook his head. "Son, what you put up on the Internet was the exact stuff
that got you into our Internship,XAVE: Shitty fan art will get you a job at Disney?
BUN: Considering how Disney's
doing right now, I wouldn't be surprised.
DOOM: LIKE I SAID, IT'S JUST THE POT SETTING IN.
not in a lawsuit
like this guy did. For Your Information; we have our legal department as aggressive as it is primarily to stomp out unlicenced
use for our characters for personal gain, as well as to deter using our characters and stories that would tarnish their images;
we are *very* protective of our meal tickets, especially Mickey there. But you, David Gonterman, only use out characters only
for fandom works; pictures and Fan Fiction.XAVE: WHO FRICKIN' CARES?
And you have an excellent portrayal
of our characters as well,TICK: Yeah right. He portrayed Sailor Moon as if she was Hamegg.
those are darn good stories on your web page.HONEY: Yeah right! "Darn good stories"?
good coffee. [Everyone stares] WHAT? Am I the only person who was around for Twin Peaks?!
have to worry too much about us, son, outside of us reminding you to keep our characters in character. Besides . . . (He got
closer)DOOM: GOOD GOD, THERE IS YAOI IN THE WORLD.
. . . I would rather have you work for me
than against me. heh-heh-heh. . . . Well, you needn't worry about Mickey; I have some of the best paramilitary forces on the
planet.TUCK: I thought this was just Disney!
TICK: It is. Gonterman prolly forgot that.
have our Mouse rescued by the time you get yourself unpacked. Gusto'll show you to your room over at the villa."XAVE:
And hopefully show you to your balcony. Lean out as far as you can to get a look out...
"Gusto . . . as in Gusto
Yep. As in Gusto Gummi. (Roy smirks almost evilly.) He's an Animation Intern too. "I have read your Fanficts, David,
and they are one of the
HONEY: Most totally horrific things ever?
DOOM: WORST PIECES OF CRAP?
only one third done and I hate this story almost as much as I hated Elliot.
BUN: And we've read CRAP.
XAVE: Lying cunt.
I really love Mickey's cameo in Haunted Fantasies. <chuckle> 'Oh, and Foxglove gives you her regards,' just as
you slam the door on him.
BUN: We did what now?
That was *inspired!!* And those graphics too; are those
Anime pics? I can see that style on ya. Oh, and is this your prescription? What's it for?"
TICK: Oh, he's on drugs!
That explains everything!
"Glad you liked them. Now where's that telephone hookup for my computer? There it is!!
Those pills are for a minor case of Clinical Depression. It's easily treatable; the most it ever gives me now is the occasional
blue mood and shyness. Nothing that would stop me from drawing."
BUN: Allow me to point out that during my interview
with him, David mentioned having to use anti-depressants for several years.
HONEY: That's still not something you put in
fan fics, though.
"You've got *Depression?* I thought you were just plain *NUTS* with your web page. We're talking
stuff that got Roy to stand up and take notice. That's what got you in here, everybody'll tell ya, Davey."
Well, something's wrong with the bastard. He won't shut up.
"Roy sure did. Oh, how did you got in?"
that I'm a Disney Toon. After our cartoon series, I've been hanging around the animation studio all the time.
Is there anywhere else to go?
TICK: We've even got an apartment next to the Tezuka studio!
XAVE: That's so you can get
over quickly whenever they need two people standing far in the background.
trade from watching them, I did. And now I talked Roy into getting me in their Intern Program hoping that I would go pro.
Imagine, my friend: A Disney Toon making Disney Cartoons!! I'll be famous!! I'll be rich!! I'll have thousands of groupies
at my feet!!
DOOM: ALL OF THEM FURRIES.
HONEY: Like, tell me about it! All the pervos just fighting to get into
your room...fight? The Fighters! WAAAHHH!
TICK: Why haven't I seen any of these groupies around US?
it'll be wonderful!!"
By now David was chuckling nervously to himself. 'This is the guy I'm going to be bunking with for
the next three months?'
XAVE: Yep! Now get used to it, boy, it's gonna be as fun as watching Zeta Gundam with that
whiny boy getting beating up all the time! [Laughs]
Gusto saw his nervousness and immediately wrapped his arm
around him. "Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave!!
BUN: The House of Fun, huh? He's staying with a guy who ahs Tourette's!
gotta get you over to a place I know soon after you've unpacked.
DOOM: GOOD GOD, THERE IS YAOI IN THE WORLD.
get a few drinks, find a couple babes, and get you to relax.
TICK: We tried that one time.
BUN: How'd it go?
...I don't like to talk about it...
You're not going to be shuttling yourself between your drawing desk and your
computer all this time if I can help it."
XAVE: At least if he's not at the computer, he can't bring us more bullshit
on the internet.
DOOM: BUT IF HE IS DRUNK, HIS STORIES WILL GET EVEN WORSE.
"Here you go, Gusto." A much older Grammi Gummi hands Gusto what looked like a whisky flask filled with Gummiberry Juice.
"Don't drink it all in one place, sonny."
XAVE: Can somebody tell me what the damned deal is with this "juice"?
Was it some kind of metaphor for hard liquor?
HONEY: You remember Twin Peaks but you don't remember The Gummi Bears?
I THINK MANY OF US BLOCKED IT FROM OUR MEMORY.
"Don't you send any message about Adult Beverages with that shape
of bottle, Grammi?"
"David, that shape of bottle is modern day Gummi technology.
TICK: A flask isn't high-tech,
and it's not modern.
It's just easier to carry, that all. And *I* always keep my flasks clearly marked, so nobody
will have any question just *what* is in them.
DOOM: BRILLIANT, DAVID. YOU HAVE SET A CHARACTER UP TO BE SUSPICIOUSLY
INAPPROPRIATE, THEN LET THEN GO ON A LONG-WINDED RANT ABOUT HOW THEY'RE ACTUALLY NOT.
Oh, and just a shot
of it ain't gonna so anything for you, sonny. You need the full bottle to get that super strength effect, and even then, they
still only work once in any 24-hour period."
XAVE: Ah, the juice makes the consumer have super powers or something?
Pretty much, yeah.
XAVE: You can get the same effect with vodka and PCP.
"I know, I just wanted to know what
it tastes like." David drank half that shot glass and savored the taste a bit, smiling. "I wonder if this stuff mixes well
with Diet Pepsi."
TUCK: Ya want some Mentos with that?
Grammi did the long-paused 'this is New' take.
"Honesty, sonny, I never thought of that. Mix it with Cola, that is. I did it with Ginger Ale, Club Soda, Periade; high-classed
carbonated drinks. Makes a great float in warmer days."
"I'm sure I'll let you know before I'm done here, then."
be careful, sonny. It makes carbonated water foam up plenty when just a teaspoon is mixed in. Gummiberry Juice is very potent,
I'll let you know."
XAVE: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! IS THIS A STORY ABOUT MICKEY MOUSE GETTING KIDNAPPED OR A BARTENDER'S
DOOM: HEY, I AM THE ONE WHO USES ALL CAPS.
Grammi then proceeded to tell David that you can not only
drink the juice, but you can run your car on it; like premium unleaded gasoline although the exhaust will spew out fruit-flavored
clumps that won't be good for the muffler, which won't be needed because the car will run quieter as well; the explosions
in the motor action aren't as loud.
TICK: However, none of this is even remotely real.
TUCK: Not that it sounds
You can also freeze it into the consistency of ice cream which can be eaten, or boiled into a thick
substance that's not unlike Flubber. David made the relation with Gummiberry Juice to a similar substance named Protocultre.
Oh, if he touches on Robotech, it's GO time!
Of course, neither Gusto nor Grammi were Anime fans, do
David was explaining Robotech to them by the time a newsfeed came on the satellite TV.
XAVE: DAMN IT!
Disney Paramilitary force has failed in rescuing Mickey.
TUCK: M-M-Mickey died?!
TICK: Stop blubbering, idiot!
There's gotta be SOME kind of resolution!
Apparently the Desperado got some of the Disney Villains, unknown at
this time, to his cause, and they fought
TICK: Oh great, now I have crying in stereo.
the soldiers. A few have been taken away on stretchers.
TUCK: Yay, so Mickey's on the stretcher! [Turns to Tick]
TICK: YES. MICKEY IS ALIVE ON THE STRETCHER AND GOING TO THE HOSPITAL.
TICK: Agh... [Puts
face in hands]
"They've underestimated this joker. He's serious, not to mention good. He somehow got some of the
bad guys on his side. This is getting bad."
"Don't I know it, sonny."
"We've gotta stop this guy before he *really*
does something terrible."
BUN: Like write a fan fiction?
"But what can *you* do, Gusto?"
We can actually DO SOMETHING instead of sitting here and pissing about it!
"A lot, Grammi. I have the Gummi Medallion
and the Great Book now."
DOOM: IT IS ACTUALLY JUST A JUMBO COLOURING BOOK AND A CHOCOLATE COIN GLUED TO SOME YARN.
know," Grammi sighs. "You inherited it from Zummi when he passed away [A moment of silence was shared in the room].
During that moment, things outside went further down the can.
I just want you to be careful with Gummi Magic.
You don't know how powerful they can be, Gusto."
TUCK: Yeah, you can choke on one, and if you're not carefull,
they get lost in your pockets and melt in summer!
TICK: He doesn't mean the CANDY BEARS, smartass.
be careful, Grammi. I was just thinking that I can go up that castle and snatch Mickey from that jerk's hands. Hey, and you
can join me, David. Whatyasay? Storm the Castle together? We'll both be famous."
XAVE: Famous like Sean Penn
or like Britney Spears?
But David's mind was on something else. "I could swear that I know this guy . . ."
It's probably going to turn into another revengefic...
He found out when he got at his E-Mail: A name. Michael A. Pitzel.
DOOM: I HAVE JUST CHECKED GOOGLE. THE REAL
PITZEL IS EITHER A GERMAN MAN WHO DIED IN 1888 OR A WORKER AT XTREME WEBWORKS INCORPERATED.
"He's the guy who
does all those MickeyGate entries in alt.fan.disney.afternoon.
TUCK: He is NOT!
They all are flames
on Michael Eisner's reign over here. Everybody thinks he's just a kook, even me. I responded to his letter and got one of
his form letters saying that he just want's to save the world. [makes a gesture saying that Pitzel's got some screws loose].
He ought to make another for himself!
Guess they should've taken him seriously now, eh?"
"Hey, look at this.
In his latest installment. He says that he's gonna make us all listen to him by kidnaping Mickey and holding him hostage."
Like he's doing right now! Wow, go out and DO something!
"That's the second time that happened. I don't think
Mickey would like it."
DOOM: WHAT SECOND TIME?
"Hey neither does the rest of the Kingdom."
what needs to be done. Let me activate some programs in my web site. Grammi, do you have my padding ready."
No, but we have a PADDLING...is that close enough?
"I do, dearie. All of them filled with Grammi's favorite recipe
of hard-boiled Gummiberries.
XAVE: Okay, this is getting so inane that I can't even begin to process it. David.
There's NO SUCH THING as a GUMMIBERRY.
They should protect you enough. Are you sure you want to do this David?"
All over Main Street, someone was passing a URL Internet Address all over. Upon accessing it from their web browsers,
NOT EVERYONE IN 1997 CARRIED AROUND A FULL PC.
they will find a message about two modern-day nights of chivalry
storming a modern-day castle to save a modern-day kingdom,
TICK: With their modern-day shoes, on the modern-day
highway, in a modern-day jalopy...
and below that two live-feed Quicktime Video Windows. One for Gusto, the other
for David. Both connected to the head-mounted cameras they're wearing.
HONEY: He likes mentioning his programs,
"It's a good thing we were able to raid Innoventions over at EPCOT for all these neeto stuff, Davey."
Gusto holds a air-power pellet gun loaded with stun gels.
DOOM: OH BOY. THEY HAVE PLASTIC MODELS OF FAULTY CRAP
CREATED IN NINETEEN-EIGHTY-WHATEVER.
"Yeah," David holds up twin Pulse Throwers.
XAVE: I'm not even
going to START on what kind of Fruedian message that line contains.
TUCK: Why? What's it reference?
XAVE: The exact
same thing you two do on Saturday nights.
TICK: How DARE Y--
TUCK: Does he mean that Super Soaker fight we had one night?
TUCK: 'Cause we were doing it all over the apartment! And eventually we made a big mess and the floors were all
slippery, then the apartments below us called the superintendant because we were getting too noisy.
XAVE: [Laughing] You
just dig your own hole, don't you?!
TUCK: And there was water all over the wa--
TICK: TUCK, SHUT UP ABOUT THE DAMN WATER
TUCK: How come?
TICK: I'll explain on the train home.
"I thought we needed an edge. Shall we begin?"
BUN: Isn't that what you yelled when you activated Doomsday?
XAVE: Yes it is. And now I am ashamed
to have said the same thing as Gonterman.
As Gusto said that, Shockwave animation popped on the Web Page. A running
score for both players, and a map showing where they're are. Right now they're in the service tunnels beneath Main Street
DOOM: SOUNDS UNPLEASANT. I AM PLEASED.
HONEY: Isn't a service tunnel all icky and dark?
You know, the sewage line runs through?
XAVE: Oh David, be sure to go down a dark path alone, get knocked
out and land faaace-first in the sewage!
DOOM: YES, SMOTHERING IS ALMOST ALWAYS THE ANSWER WITH THESE MEN.
use these tunnels to get under the castle, go up it from inside, and reach our target from behind. Any questions?"
I say no," Gusto turned around, "but those oversized playing cards are greatly affecting my judgement."
Come onnn, man! Just one gaaaame!
TUCK: [Cards] You've got time and money to spaaaare! Come ooon!
BUN: [Gusto] No! I promised the clinic I wouldn't! NOOO!
David quickly charged the Toons from "Alice
in Wonderland" with both Pulse Throwers drawn. "Let's Play . . ."
BUN: Murder in the name of Foxfire!
And impulse gambling!
The events that followed were a live-action version of Doom as if it were programmed by
Walt Disney himself.
HONEY: So Doom would just be Mickey collecting gummiberries and shooting Pete and The Phantom
Blot over an' over?
Practically every Disney Villain got between David and Gusto and rescuing Mickey.
TYPICAL OF DAVID TO ANTI-CLIMATICALLY DESCRIBE EVENTS RATHER THAN PLAY THEM THROUGH.
XAVE: Well if he DID describe the
fights, the story would be longer.
The majority of them can be easily dispatched with a Sonic Boom
& TUCK: [Singing] Sonic Boom, Sonic Boooom, Sonic Booooom...
HONEY: RRRR, STOP IT, GUYS!
or a Neuro-Shock
gelatin paint pellet, both of them were made to take a man--or a Toon--down without inflicting any heavy damage, but a few
of them needed some strategy. For Instance, David needed to nearly overload one of his Throwers to break Captain Hook's wooden
leg--"I didn't know he *had* one of those."--out from under him. Gusto summoned a small tornado to suck Jafar back into his
lamp, so David can drop kick it back to Disneyland Paris--"That's four points in Arena Football, Gusto!"
TICK: Yeah right, Gonto can't drop-kick a trinket from California to Europe!
BUN: He's stooped to exagerrating
his sport skills!
And then there was someone in a gargoyle-looking powersuit trapped under a fallen I-bar. The
heavy metal was easily thrown aside by the Pulse blast, only to find the person inside the powersuit to be:
TICK: Sailor Neptune?
HONEY: The Little Old Lady On the Hill?
OH, CHRIST! So close to my name! WHAT does Gonterman WANT with me?!
NOTE: In early 2008, David released a picture of
his character Drake, who beared resemblance to Xavier, of whom was shown to David a month before. Before being disproved that
David had based Drake on one of his "online friends", it was wildly contemplated that David had plagiarized Xavier.
Gusto was just as surprised. "Xanatos?! What the heck are you doing here, and in that? You look like Goliath."
Oh, please let him look all right...
XAVE: Well, if he expects to share part of my name, he shouldn't look
like a complete monkey! I may be out of my mind, but I have dignity. Unlike Tick and Tuck.
TICK & TUCK: HEY!
doing what you two yourselves are doing, I suppose. Being the majority stockholder in Disney, I have a vested interest in
that mouse. Just like you, in a way, for more [he raises an eyebrow that ruffles Gusto]
HONEY: That's gotta be
one big eyebrow.
"We can discuss ethics with Mr. Frankenstein later."
David interrupted. "We've got a toon to save. Coming Xannie?"
DOOM: AND THAT SOUNDS LIKE "XAVIE", LIKE WHAT WHATSISNAME
ALWAYS CALLED YOU.
'Xannie' follows but for nothing else than to ask David why he referred him as Mary Shelley's
HONEY: Oh no, this is going to lead to another ramble...
"I did a full media search
on you. Xanatos. I must say that I'm impressed, you resemble Victor Frankenstein in many ways. The same personality traits,
the same thirst for power, the same scruples, [It's David's turn to raise an eyebrow] or lack thereof."
HE'S JUST LIKE YOU, FATHER.
XAVE: And I rue that.
"HEY!! I thought he weren't going to discuss ethics now!!"
even got your own monsters, according to reports on these 'Gargoyles' dudes."
BUN: Ah, Gargoyles...one of the cartoons
with the most Mary Sues.
"For the record, David Gonterman, I *didn't* make them, I freed them:
Mister Marse's clone FREES MARY SUES! AAAAAH!
There were stuck inside these stone statues by some spell, which
I broke when I lifted the castle they were in on top . . . of my . . . Hey guys, check this out!!"
The three reached the
area directly under Cinderella's Castle, and found what looks like a giant Trivia Pursuit lying on the ground, with each piece
of the definitely-more-than-six-piece-pie
XAVE: GAH! I cannot TAKE this man's insane rambling! I'm going to get
a coffee or something! [Stomps out of the theatre]
TICK: Can we get coffee too?
TUCK: No! It's OUR duty to guide the
people through David's stories, even if the most resistant person here just walked out!
being a portal into another world . . . "David, these portals lead to every movie Disney's ever made!! Look!! This one
leads to Agrabah!!"
"And this one goes straight to King Triton's throne chamber!!"
HONEY: Right where his guards
can get you!
"Here's one to Gay Paris,
DOOM: [To Tick & Tuck] HAVE YOU TWO GONE THERE?
Well there once was a shoot th--
TICK: NO. Just DON'T.
City of zee arteest, [Gusto's French accent proved grating
to the two humans] and setting of Disney's newest movie, 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame.'"
Xanatos asked David from the portal
to 1608 Virginia, "Are you pondering what I'm pondering, David?"
TUCK: [Pinky] Maybe, but how are we going to find
a funnel and a sheet of latex this late at night?
DOOM: SOUNDS LIKE YOU TWO HAD PLANS. LAUGH PROTOCOL - HA-HA-HA.
WHY does everybody think we're a COUPLE?!
TICK: Oh, geez...
TUCK: I was SCARED, that's all!
TICK: But did you HAVE to clamp onto my back?
TICK: [Sighs] That's all right. Sorry I called you an idiot all over today.
HONEY: Can we cut this reunion
and get back to the MiST?
TUCK: Killjoy. [Pouts]
"Xannie," David mutters from the London portal, "This 'hub'
links every Disney flick with each other, combining them *all* into *a single universe*!! Imagine the possibilities--"
Jasmine, Belle, and Pocahontas--in the same room!!"
DOOM: DAVID THEN ASCENDED INTO A FIVE MINUTE FANTASY, MUTTERING
"OH YES, TO THE RIGHT" AND "SEND THE FROSTING MY WAY".
TICK: Ew. What's wrong with you?
DOOM: CONSIDERING THAT I WAS
RAISED BY XAVIER, THAT BANTER IS NORMAL.
"Villains attacking heros in other films"
"Story lines crossing with
each other so much, they'll look like spaghetti!"
DOOM: MUCH LIKE THIS STORY.
"Human sacrifices, dogs
and cats living together, total hysteria"
TUCK: Hot snow falling up, ambulances running over people, cats having
". . . And Ratcliff trying to give Xanatos an uppercut all the way from Colonial Days."
Aw man, now they're dragging in "The Great Mouse Detective"!
Both David and Gusto point into the 'hub.' Xanatos
looked down to find a certain overly fat, human exploiting, land defacing, gold hungry bastard of a Colony leader climbing
up the portal double-time.
HONEY: It's the REAL Gonterman!
TICK & TUCK: KILL IT WITH FIRE!
up!!" Xanatos aimed a blaster straight down into Ratcliff's ugly face and fired. The blast knocked the lard straight down
several stories back to none-of-the-three cares where.
TICK: Well, he killed the giant rat. Let's go home. [Gets
TUCK: QUIT it!
"Head's off!! Good shot, Xannie!!"
XAVE: I'm back. [Sits down] After we plow
through this shit, they've got little cakes on sale in the lobby.
DOOM: UH, RIGHT. BY THE WAY, FATHER,
WE ARE TO STOP PESTERING THE TWO MEN ABOUT THEIR SEXUALITY.
XAVE: We started offending viewers, or were we getting repetitive?
No, you just shouldn't insult characters from one of the world's top animation studios.
"Back to business, where
XAVE: Like I said, plowing through shit.
"Up these stairs . . . what? More of them Jolly Roger
pirates? Geez, no rest for the wicked. YAAAAAH!!"
Just as the three continued to blast their way up the castle, another
figure climbs out of the portal marked "Pocahontas;" A feminine figure of copper skin and raven black hair. She slumps
over the side to catch her breath.
"By the Great Spirit!! It's a good thing these portals are wide!! I thought that
Ratcliff would squeeze me flat on his way down."
HONEY: Oh no! Pocahontas is here, and Ratcliff got sent into her
story! Gonterman unknowingly destroyed the movie!
A raccoon soon appears over the ledge, who drops over after
"What do you think all that was about up there, Meeko? I should try to follow them, but this dress I have on
now wouldn't seen right when following three guys with weird-looking guns, even by 1996 standards. I better change."
1996 HAD no standards, lady.
BUN: As soon as she said "but this dress I have on" I thought there would be some kind of
horrible sexual descriptions like "it would bunch up and I wouldn't get any SUPPORT"!
TICK: ...I would take it. If it were
written by a QUALITY writer, like Dad...
The woman silently slipped over to an easily forgotten locker marked
"Pocahontas" with a duffle bag inside. The woman picks up the bag and moves to a easily-reached restroom.
[Babs Bunny] How conveeeenient.
It took 50 more minutes of playing Disneyian Doom to take David, Gusto, and Xanatos to the top floor, where they almost
collapse through the door behind Michael Pitzel, who promptly went out the window to hold Mickey over the ledge for all the
screaming crowd to see.
DOOM: ANTI-CLIMATIC AGAIN. IF ONLY MY ROBOT HEART COULD DEFECATE A PROPER REMARK OR FEEL
David tried to talk to the man. "Now, Now, Michael. I know that times are tough and some people
can be total--pardon my french--assholes at times. . ."
TICK: "Some" being "everybody".
HONEY: "Everybody" being
"7/8ths of everyone on the internet in the mid 90's".
XAVE: "Assholes" being "rightful critics screaming in pain and awe".
See, 7/8ths of everyone on the internet in the mid 90's can be rightful critics screaming in pain and awe! Huh, not as snappy,
TUCK: I don't think David likes French people.
"I should know."
Everybody shouted at the person
that cracked that: "SHUT *UP,* XANNIE!!"
XAVE: Yes, please fall out the window and leave us be.
" . . . *anyway,* I severely doubt that things can be righted by taking pot shots
DOOM: THE POT HAS RETURNED.
cartoon characters owned by the Company you've obviously got rubbed the wrong way."
XAVE: You don't want to know
how hard it is trying to not make a masturbation joke right now.
DOOM: GOOD, THEN. THE CONTRACT FORBIDS IT ALONG WITH JOKES
ABOUT TURBANS AND BREASTS.
TICK: Tsh, THAT cuts out a lot of ideas I had...
"Yeah, pal. Michael Eisner's reign
as Disney's King is *over.* He's bowing out within the week. And I'm sure that Roy's not that way at all. I don't know about
Mr. Steel Clan here."
"Oh sure, pin a big question mark on me. . . its not that it's warranted or anything . . ."
was ignoring Xanatos by now, a cardinal mistake if done anytime else, knowing what he knows on David Xanatos from his Internet
TUCK: He means "creepings", right?
TICK: Of course! You see, I heard that we was lusting after a
little girl on the internet back in '95!
HONEY: That totally IS creepy!
but he wasn't the threat at the time.
"Come on, Mike. Drop the mouse.
Let's talk it out. Surely we can make an
But David stepped too close.
TICK: He had violated Michael's Personal Space. And Michael was
going to tell the teacher.
Michael threw Mickey over the ledge.
XAVE: OH YEAH!
He yelled "ESS-STAR-STAR-STAR"?
XAVE: Considering all the drinking, shooting and phallic innuendos in this story, I'm surprised
he didn't just say "shit" and get it over with.
During a throw, David notices a lucky rabbit's foot pinned to
Michael's lapel. His eyes grew wide;
TUCK: [David] You've got a BUNNY'S FOOT! What's wrong with you?!
knows who brought him here, whispered words in his head, and even turned several bad guys to his cause. He should know who.
[Singing] My baby's goin' 'round the bend...
HONEY: Congratulations! You! Are! CRAZY!
He made the character
who done all this behind the scenes, based on some fetish he once had with Halloween costumes.
XAVE: WHAT THE FUCK?! Of all the fetishes, he's got one for FULL-BODY ANIMAL SUITS?! I've seen freaks getting off
to diapers, guns, the colour blue...but FUR SUITS. UGH.
BUN: Did you tell him about "Scarlet P.I." yet?
DOOM: NOT YET.
"Oh, heck, th' rating's gonna suck anywaaaaa . . ."
IT SUCKS ALREADY.
David makes an heroic flying leap for Mickey as Michael gets tackled by Xanatos.
TICK: [Singing] Everybody have fun tonight...
Gusto follows David to the ledge while pulling
his anti-gravity spell from his memory.
David catches Mickey. "Gotcha!!" "Yeah, heh-heh, but who's got *you?*"
& TUCK: [Singing] IIIII ain't got NO-BOOOODY!
David realizes that he has just jumped 7 feet
off the ledge to catch Mickey. Now there are *two* people plummeting to terra firma to the horror of the crowds.
[Crowd member] GONTERMAN'S FALLING OFF THE LEDGE! [Pauses] Let's get some lunch!
Both were screaming.
Like preschooler girls.
Gusto stood on the ledge and casted his spell, using whatever was left in his youthful
David and Mickey were five feet above the ground when the spell took effect, allowing them to land, albeit roughly.
David suffered a slight strain on his
right ankle, bringing back an old injury. otherwise,
except for a few bruises, he'll live.
Mickey was safe on the ground,
officially rescued and unharmed.
TUCK: Well, at least THAT'S good.
Medical crews promptly rushed to
David's aid, where the hurting but otherwise unbroken ankle was wrapped in gauze and placed him on a stretcher.
Shortly after, the ambulance driver jumped out, and the ambulance suddenly went over a cliff.
"They're both okay,"
Xanatos said with his wicked grin as he hoisted Michael up high. "That's a good thing, considering that I was about to throw
you after them if they were to die very . . . Un-Disney-like."
XAVE: Whaaat, being dropped from 120 feet into a
bloody mess isn't suitible for Disney?
HONEY: I think the "splat" and gore you speci--
XAVE: It's sarcasm, bitch.
stretcher passed by to Roy, who was very grateful. "Thank you, son. You did the job when Disney's greatest forces couldn't
do at that time."
TUCK: 'Cause they were too sensible or sane to jump out the window.
TICK: Or moan for three
pages about gumiibears and DOOM fights.
"Well," David felt a buzz in his head that could be related to
Bashing his face on the pavement.
after winning the Ironman Triathalon, "sometimes it helps if you think small
for once. Right, Gusto?"
The Gummi Bear who just arrived on ground floor could only nod as he caught his breath. Storming
TICK: THE TITLE RETURNS!
BUN: He always sticks his title in each of his stories, at least once...
DOOM: LIKE WITH "But, was only greeted...with blood...and metal" IN BLOOD AND METAL AND "Even
did Clinton Jobs" IN "CLINTON JOBS".
TUCK: I believe that was "NiTRO"?
DOOM: I BELIEVE YOU KNOW TOO MUCH.
proved formidable to Toons as well.
"How can I thank you, David,
for what you did today?"
DOOM: YOU COULD WHACK HIM UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH SOMETHING BLUNT.
sue me. I know what's happening, and I'm afraid part of it's my fault. . ."
HONEY: No, it's ALL your fault.
Later on, in Roy's office in the Animation Building, David gives Roy his explanation,
XAVE: And was promptly
DOOM: YOU GO GIRL. WOOOO.
with Mickey as a witness.
Roy tries to see if he got this right:
"So, this Pippkin character, kidnaped Mickey Mouse here, and took him into your "Blood and Metal" story in the "Haunted Fantasies"
HONEY: Whoa-ha, who's Pippkin?! What about Michael Whatzit?
"Yes, Roy. Fortunately, it was
only a cameo, and I was written out almost as quickly as I was in; I just pushed this Crockett character in the right direction,
which was needed. I came in, gave him the tools to take out this bunny suit,
XAVE: A bunny suit. I bet he...uh.
Ew. Never mind.
DOOM: A FETISH NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO HANDLE.
and I left. But it appears that I wasn't the only
Disney Toon over in Mobius. 'Foxglove gave Davey her regards?' Jeez, know I know *where* she was sucked into."
TUCK: I think he was...was... [Starts crying] I don't know! Tick, I wanna go hoooome!
TICK: Aw, hold on!
Ssh! We're almost done!
"T-t-t-t-that wasn't mine--"
Mickey turned to a near-sweating David and gave him one
of his patented smiles.
XAVE: Patented. Plastic, given to everyone and made without any feelings.
know, David. And you needn't worry about any lawsuits from us. There's three reasons why. The first is that you're actually
*working* for us at this time. We don't shoot ourselves on the foot, do we?"
BUN: Have you
seen "That's so Raven"?
"Besides, I always wanted to do a Mickey Story, even if it was just once."
But instead, he made about thirty.
"Doesn't everybody? #2, you're not the guilty party. Pippkin is. He's the one
who sent me screaming and kicking into your story. I got out and ruined his day, of course. And judging by how Pippkin got
some of our Villains over to Pitzel's side, it appears that he's got a grudge against me."
DOOM: OH, YOU THINK
JUST ONE PERSON HAS A GRUDGE AGAINST YOU?
"I'll get the troops on him right away." Roy reaches for the phone,
but Mickey stops him. "He's against *me*, Roy. I want to take him in. [He rubs his fist.]
XAVE: Let's hope it's
I want to deal with this bunny suit of David's personally."
"Pippkin's yours, Mick. Do with him whatever you wish."
XAVE: WHAT is up with the psychosexual
imagery all of a sudden?!
"Thanks. Oh, and Number Three. Roy, I believe you have a package for Mr. Gonterman."
"Why yes." Roy hands David a long box.
XAVE: OH NO.
David opened it to find a
baseball cap with a raccoon tail tied to the back and . . .
16 Power Rifle?
And this . . . I know this suspenders, too. These belonged to David
"Not Crockett, David." Roy corrected. "Kintobor. He wanted me to give it to you because, now that he's a kitsune,
And so crazy he thinks his fursona is a different person...
he feels that he no longer needs the Davey Crockett
handle. He decided to give it back to you."
"Kintobor gave these to you? To give them to the guy who made him.
That's still Gonterman!
That's impossible. It's also impossible having Pippkin mucking in Disney World."
. . . unless . . . "
" . . . i'm in my own FanFict universe."
XAVE: Oh YESSS!
HONEY: He FINALLY
figured it out!
TUCK: And it only took him three years!
BUN: But he DID snap back into it later on.
DOOM: THERE IS
NO HOPE FOR US ALL.
There are times, when Roy Disney smiles, he looks like a tail-less Jenner from "The Secret
DOOM: NO HE DOESN'T.
This is one of those times. "Correct. Whatever you're writing on this
Internet, you will no doubt experience, right along with all us poor unfortunate souls. Some may call this poetic justice,
XAVE: Others may call it a bloody hysterical shit-shoot...
knowing what you did on some of your Installments."
He starts to chuckle. "I'd figure this would be better than siccing them damned bureaucrats on your tail. It'll save us a
lot of money. Besides, it would be more fun too. Hey listen, I got an appointment to go to. I'll leave you two to sweat it
XAVE: Oh-ho-HO, looks like they've got plans!
TUCK: [Whispers to Tick] Tick, all his...um... S-E-X stuff
is creeping me out.
TICK: [Whispers] Oh, be quiet. At least nobody's directing it at US.
David's mouth was
back to dry as Roy leaves the office. Mickey tries to shake the shock out of him. "Don't be too nervous about it all.
[Mickey] It's my first time, too!
TUCK: What 'bout Minnie?
XAVE: You really think that someone who weard colourful dresses
short enough to constantly reveal her panties would stay and thump a squeaky-voice nit?
It's not like the world's
going to end with this file. heh-heh You will be writing others, will you. . . . Like your fans won't let you stop
Hey, what fans?
TUCK: The anti-fans! They love and track him for being so weird!
. . . Say, heh-heh, you look
pretty thirsty. I'll get you a drink.
XAVIER: [Roy] Just let me take out my special hose, and we'll--
TICK: This is the most disturbing hour of my life.
Don't worry about getting up with your right leg.
I'll get it for you."
But as Mickey turns to get a glass, who walked into the office with Gusto .
HONEY: The police, hooray!
"ROY?!? I thought you had an appointment?!"
"Yeah, Mickey. With
David Gonterman here."
"B-B-But if you wus . . . if that weren't . . . who . . ."
TUCK: Who wasn't what?
David, David," Roy held David by the shoulders. "You didn't get one of Walt's strokes
XAVIER: STOP FAPPING, DAVID!
over your Fanficts again, did you? My word, son, with your Type A Personality you've got there, you'll end up in an ice
XAVE: I'm sure that whatever happened, many people died over it.
I just wanted
to thank you for saving Mickey, and want to give you the weekend off to recover from your ordeal. Here's a $50 advance from
your paycheck, with the warning not to blow it all in one place <Chuckle>
DOOM: THE REALISM IS AMAZING. I
COULD NEVER TELL THAT I WAS LISTENING TO A FANBOY.
I'll be seeing you and your bear friend bright and early Monday
morning. Now Scoot, I've got a lot of stuff to do now that I can concentrate on my work." He sat down at his chair, then dug
around under his seat. He pulled out a rabbit's foot with David's name on it. "David, son. Your ambitions are way too high.
tsk-tsk-tsk. You have a lot of ladder climbing to do before you could ever think about taking his office."
Mickey and David's
faces went white as Roy tossed the
foot to David; they just realized just who was impersonating
Roy Disney just then.
TUCK: It's Rainbow Parakeet!
TICK: Oh, you wish!
"Er, heh-heh. Roy, when FoxFire
arrives here, could you have him see me in my office?"
"Sure thing," Roy said as Mickey led David out. As they parted ways,
David could hear Mickey mutter, 'it's not enough he had to kidnap me . . . twice . . . he had to get the guy who wrote him
too . . .
HONEY: Um, Mickey's not a crazy muttering weirdo.
BUN: Yes, but David is, so it all evens out.
turn that bunny suit into a fur coat for Minnie . . .'
XAVE: You'll have to wash the inside a few times.
wrong Daveroonie?" Gusto tries to reach him. "You look like someone stepped on your grave."
XAVE: Not yet, bit
I have plans...
"Oh, Gawd. I need a drink, Gusto. Point me to the nearest 7-Eleven fast, before I go for that
Gummiberry Flask in your shirt . . ."
DOOM: HORRIFICALLY-SUGARED DRINK OR FRUITY WHISKEY. EITHER OPTION IS NONE
Sometime after the crowd had left, a black figure separated from the shadows.BUN: Oh no! A Piasa Bird relapse!
Indian girlXAVE: Nope, it's a modern-day confusion of India and Native America!
had changed into a
skin tight all black leather and cloth assortment.TICK: Mmm, and where can I get a picture of this?
think Gonterman drew one picture.
TICK: Well, where is it?!
BUN: Tick, just because you grew up with one of the most
skilled cartoonists of all time doesn't mean everybody can draw a proper woman.
TICK: Well, what am I going to get paid
She dived through the bushes, not wanting to be seen by the remaining
visitors, until she made it to the rescued mouse still recovering with a soda.HONEY: Oh sure, drinking murky,
sugary water is exactly how I recover from being dropped out a window.
She leaned over a railing near Mickey's
ear. "You're safe."TUCK: You're also twenty minutes late.
Mickey nearly had a heart attack. "YAAAAAAHHH!!"
He spun around with his eyes wide at the one who just spoke to him, who had on an innocent face, despite the clothes that
would look more fitting on Madonna; if you didn't know about--TICK: Whatever was going on, I'm sure it was extremely
hot in David's mind.
"Pocahontas, please!! My nerves are shot enough!!"
"That third guy that was with that
knight and that bear . . ."DOOM: THE POT IS COMING BACK.
"You mean Xanatos and Gusto?"XAVE:
"Yeah. He saved your life. Who was he."
Mickey slumped back to his chair. "Name's David Gonterman. He's
an animation intern. People on the Internet know him, I don't know about you, though."HONEY: So Mickey doesn't
know about Pocohontas, even if she works for him?
"Is he all right, he looked hurt when he landed."XAVE:
"Oh, just a sprainedTICK: Face.
ankle. David's a tough bird, heh-heh. He'll be back
for more after a weekend off to heal."DOOM: YOU CAN NEVER KILL HIM.
Poca smiled at the thought. Wheels
can be heard turning in her head.TUCK: She's an ANDROID! GET HER!
TICK: Yeah, get her and put her in my room!
[Tuck stares] What?!
"Where was he sent off to? I might want to check up on him sometime."
"Oh, he's back in
his apartment in the village, but I don't know what he'll think of a Disney Princess in a get-up like you're wearing, Poca.
He mightDOOM: GET HORNY.
expect a high heel in his back."XAVE: I think David desires something
ELSE in his back...
He make a Mr. Poison face with that last remark, only to find that she ducked back into the
shadows. HONEY: Because she didn't know who Mr. Poison was.
By the time that her last words, "Mickey,
I'm not that type." register in the mouse's brain, Pocahontas had climbed over the fence and out of the amusement park.TUCK:
Is that possible?
Walking alongside Lake Buena Vista, she saw her reflection in the water. She checked herself
to see if she looks okay, and notices the clothes she has on. "Hmmm, perhaps I *should* explain why I'm wearing this. Later."BUN:
WHY would Pocahontas wear black leather, anyway?
TICK: Or be able to get it after 9:00 PM?
She cheerfully picked
up the speed along the dark night . . .DOOM: BECAUSE THE SUPPLY OF POT HAD RUN OUT.
Of any respect for humanity I once held.
BUN: What, no moral?
HONEY: How about "Insanity speads like Polio"?
"NEVER GIVE MIDDLE-AGED MEN A COMPUTER AND SET OF DISNEY VIDEO TAPES"?
TUCK: "To defeat the man, you must eat the man"?
Bah, close enough. Let's go home.
XAVE: Best thing I've heard all night. [Gets up] I'm going to go build a fembot and have
sex with it.
DOOM: I AM GOING TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF ROBBY.
HONEY: A...a fight? Can I come too?
DOOM: ALL RIGHT.
EEEEE! [They leave]
TICK: Come on, Tuck, we've got to be at the studio. They're doing an animated remake of "The Moony Man" and we have to play the two guys that try to marry the cute alien woman.
TUCK: Doesn't Kenichi get her in the
TICK: Kenichi got every girl in the old stories, you know that. [They leave]
BUN: And with that, readers, ends
another MiST! We'll be back soon, hopefully with another wacko Gonterman tale!
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